If you know me you know there’s one goal I have in my life and that is, of course, to stab a puffy leather couch with a butcher knife. That’s all. Some people dream big, some just want to slash leather. I’m not saying it’s normal. Well, the scientists over at the Harriet Carter labs must be faithful readers of IBBB because they’ve “invented” something called “Clear Patch Tape.” What is Clear Patch Tape, you ask? Well according to the description you can forget that “ugly “ duct tape when trying to patch up your puffy leather couch stab wounds. Now all you need to do after slicing and dicing is simply cut off a piece of this clear tape and then simply place it over the gash and, voila!, “the poors” furniture looks as good as new if “new” was code for “tape on your couch that eventually will turn black from dirt around the edges after one week.” Plus there’s nothing more that likes to pick at things like bratty kids and even brattier pets. So basically your stab wound that’s turned into a tape mark will shortly turn into claw marks. And I love how it says it’s also great for window glass. Safe! Make it easy for your neighborhood burglars to get right in simply by pulling the tape off the window glass so they scurry right inside and steal your plastic Boston Celtics tumbler set of 4 that you got for $1.99 each when you bought enough gas at Shell circa 1988! Sadly, you’ll now need to remove these items from your will. Your kids will be heartbroken.
Seriously, how is this an option? More importantly, how is this anything more than just tape? I mean the chick in this picture has the money to get her Housewives of Orange County nails done on the regular, but she can’t afford to get this couch professionally fixed? If you can’t afford to take care of the puffy leather couch you shouldn’t buy it. Would you put an Oldsmobile emblem on your Mercedes if someone stole your Mercedes emblem? I think not. If you’re going to stab your couch, you have to pay the penalty.