Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! When are the Ides of March? Perhaps today. One may never know. Now go back and read those first 4 sentences with a British accent. It just makes it better. Anyway, this week Harriet helps us with our caulk, kills some happy harmless cartoon bugs, and makes cleaning the house, sexy! Let’s go!
Product # 1 – If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone telling me to get my caulk-away, I’d have 5 cents. Oh! Stop me if ya heard it before! Try the veal! Not only does Harriet want to get your caulk away, she also wants to help make your caulk right. Because, folks, at the end of the day if your caulk ain’t right, either is your life. With this mysterious “caulk away tool” it makes removing your caulk super easy and claims you don’t need to use harsh chemicals. Ouch! Windex on your caulk, while it does keep it shiny, can burn like the dickens…or so I’ve been told. In addition the “caulk rite” tool helps you to smooth some fresh caulk better than a putty knife. I assumed that was what wax was for, but if the caulk rite will keep your caulk smooth I guess it’s always, always, always, safer than a knife. If you end up using the knife you might as well call it “Caulk Be Gone” because your caulk will, literally, be gone. And if your caulk is gone you can pretty much guarantee you won’t ever be able to store your caulk in a box. Ole! So, dear readers, the next time you’re working with the caulk in your bathroom, be sure to go easy and think twice before full caulk removal. Sometimes just cleaning up the caulk is better than having no caulk at all. Oh, and in case there was any confusion I was making penis jokes. Penis.
Product # 2 – “Uh, honey, can you come downstairs for a sec? I have a surprise for you! Ok, so you know how you love cleaning dirty dishes and the stove and such? Well I bought you a little something because I felt that just because you were a woman doesn’t mean that you should be forced to use your hands to clean up after me. So, after careful thought….I decided to buy you….some…..Glam Gloves! I know, you’re welcome! Now you can feel extra feminine while you’re scrapping the stuck on meatloaf to the pan. Think about all the fun you’ll have cleaning the piss off the toilet once you put these sexy little numbers on. And even better, I got you them in ‘pink’ because, well, women love pink and I want you to feel like a complete woman whilst you clean this bitch of a house from top to bottom. Now these were a little more than I wanted to spend, so I decided against getting you some flowers and ended up ALSO getting you the Glam Gloves in black and white zebra striped too! Think of it as a combination birthday and Christmas present. And, because our anniversary is coming up and I know how much you love to vacuum….well…I don’t want to totally spoil it….but I also got you a dress to wear while you vacuum the entire house. I’m going golfing.” End scene.
Product # 3 – Did you love when Bambi’s mother got killed in the Disney movie? Laughed a little when the father died in The Lion King? Squealed with delight when the mother fish went to heaven in Finding Nemo? Well if you nodded up and down in a “yes” motion to any of these questions, well, do I have the product for you! Introducing the Cartoon Bug Killer! The Cartoon Bug Killer can simply be placed outside on your picnic table and you can gather around the whole family to watch these happy little bugs who are sporting carrot noses and brown leather boots run from the big trap, but never quite survive. You would think that since they’re also wearing white leather gloves they may be able to break free from this trap but, alas, they can’t. You see the fancy technicalogically advanced LED lighting blinds them and they are quickly sucked into the trap. While this will provide hours of enjoyment for the entire family, the little ones may grow bored with this, as did that little bitch in the background who is sipping on her lemonade and not giving a royal F that her little magical animated friends are about to meet their maker. Even though it appears to be July, she’s probably already thinking about what she wants to demand from Santa this holiday season. Thanks, Harriet, for bringing cartoon killings to a whole new level. You call it a product, I call it the animated holocaust.