Harriet Carter Wednesday: Like a Screen Door on a Battleship

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  Do you think if there were ever an E! True Hollywood Story on Harriet Carter I would be able to take part in it?  I hope so.  I will register that prayer to Santa Christ and Jesus Claus and see if he can make that happen.  Anyjunk, this week Harriet has found the door to the past, keeps the elderly awake at the wheel, and continues having creepy people modeling dumb t-shirts.  Let’s go!



Product # 1 – Well she’s finally done it!  Harriet Carter has found a door to the past and apparently the door to the past lands you to around 1987.  Now I’m not 100% positive, but I have a feeling that this is actually the Harriet Carter “modeling” this unnecessary screen sheet.  Who cares about that, though?  Let’s take a peek at the clothes that seem to be raping Harriet (the original Failure Model Chick).  First off, that mock-turtle-neck-sweatshirt (that can be purchased at Walgreen’s in the “holiday aisle” during Christmas) really makes her bed-head perm pop!  As we move south of the border we see that Harriet is pushing her bum out a little as a way to detract our attention from the cameltoe that is budding from her baby maker.  The journey continues as we see her “blue-jeans” tucked firmly into her black boots.  You know she has to stop every 10 steps to re-tuck her cuffs into those boots.  Harriet is a slave for fashion.  Now is Harriet a midget or is she walking into a giant wooden house?  That may be, perhaps, the largest door I’ve ever seen….and the entrance into the house isn’t so small either.  Oh! Stop me if you heard it!  I’m not sure I used that one right, but who cares?  It’s Harriet Carter Wednesday and I can do no wrong!



Product # 2 – WAKE UP, STUPID!  If you like to take 10 minute cat naps whilst driving around town does Harriet have the alert system for you!  Apparently if your head moves to far forward or too far back and alarm goes off directly in your ear.  So the good news is that you’re awake.  That bad news?  You’re deaf in one ear.  Seriously, if you even think that you may possibly need this product please, please, please, please, please don’t get behind the wheel.  In fact, please don’t even leave your house.  Actually, don’t walk either.  Just take it easy in a nice recliner and wait patiently for Jesus to call you into the pearly gates of Heaven.  If I ever strapped this thing to my ear I would be so freaked out that my head may accidentally go 2 inches forward that I wouldn’t be able to even focus on changing the radio station, texting my friends, or drinking my iced coffee.  Imagine just looking forward the whole time and just driving?  Boring.  Either way, thanks Harriet for keeping me awake, deaf, and focused.  What? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!



Product # 3 – Are you sick of people talking to you about stupid things?  Do you ever wish you had the pefect “come back” to someone who is really “cramping your style?”  Do you photograph like you’re a level 3 sex offender?  Are you wondering why you’re always standing in front of a plain blue background?  Well if you answered “I’m a level 3 sex offender” to any of these questions, Harriet may just have the best rebuttal to shove in your friends faces.  Are you ready for it?  All you need to do is wear this, possibly flammable, t-shirt that says…..wait for it….wait for it……wait for it…..”And Your Point Is….”  Just picture it, someone comes up to you and asks you for directions and you just look down at your t-shirt.  Brilliant.  You’re walking up the street and two little kids ask you if you want to buy some lemonade.  Just point to your t-shirt and they’ll have their answer.  The priest says, “I leave you peace, my peace I give you.  Let’s take a moment to offer each other a sign of the Lord’s peace.”  The person next you reaches out their hand to you and you glance down at your t-shirt.  They’ll know. Oh, indeed, they’ll know.


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