Yeah it’s Harriet Carter Wednesday, what’s it to you? I’ve received a ton of emails over the past few months wondering where Harriet has been. I typically answered with, “None of your business. Do I come to your house and ask your mother where her looks went?” Obviously that is the opposite of a rhetorical question. Anyjunk, Harriet was probably vacationing in one of the Slavic countries, getting her face filled with mayonnaise and sugar water that’s been left out in the hot sun for two months, just so she can save on climbing Botox costs. Where was I? Oh yeah, this week Harriet protects your rack whilst driving and gives your son another reason why he’s getting the bag beat out of him during 5th period math. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Since I model my life after one Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey (of the Nazarene Winfrey’s) I’ve decided to bring her “No Phone Zone” pledge to the next level. As you know, the “No Phone Zone” pledge is urging people to stop texting whilst driving. Yawn. I mean, who can’t do two things at once? It’s called multitasking while endangering. Ever heard of it? Anyway, I’m in the process of writing to Oprah to bring, “No Saggy Boobs While Driving” pledge to the masses. Thanks to the pathetic sick pervs over at the Harriet Carter Institute of Performing Arts (HCIPA), you can now make sure that when you’re driving your rack is standing at attention. Basically, you’re driving with 4 sets of headlights, so you better get safe and get safe quick. The poor floppy boobed woman in the before photo is so “saggin’ in the wind” that she’s actually getting struck by what I can only assume is lightning while she’s just trying to get from Point A to Point B. In the “before” example she’s not taking the “No Saggy Boobs While Driving” pledge seriously at all. However, she must have had a change of heart because in the “after” photo her rack is acting as her co-pilot (move over Jesus – don’t hurt me). But, let’s face it. During long drives your bobbies-aba-doolies are going to get tired and, well, they’re going to want to rest for a little bit. Luckily this contraption also has a strap on the bottom that will hold your female companions in place like an illegal immigrant on the side of the road selling a wide, yet rotten, array of fruit. I honestly have no idea what in the holy hell I’m talking about. Anyway, join the pledge, write Oprah, and stay safe while driving. Also, drive fast and take chances.
Product # 2 – Hey parents! Are you afraid of giving your kid the beating of his/her life because of that pesky little rule that basically says that DSS will stop on by for tea, cake, and ownership of your children? Well, worry no more because Harriet Carter is now making giving your kid a beating a lot easier and won’t even “dirty” your hands. Introducing “Silly Straw Glasses!” Little Herman will be taking punches from all the kids in his class once he starts sporting these shades! Silly Straw Shades are just as silly and wonderful as they sound. Simply put on these 5 pound plastic (probably shellacked with lead paint) glasses-contraption on your pimply face, strap it around your Dumbo ears, and then let the end of the tube sit in your high-fructose-corn-syruped-fruit-punch (fat ass) and enjoy your drink. I mean, it should totally take you a total of 15 minutes to get ready to drink 8 ounces. (big friggin’ baby). Little Herman didn’t make is bed before he went to school? No worries, just pack these Silly Straw Shades with him and send him on his way. The beating will be waiting for him by the time he shows up for homeroom. And I’m sure all you parents will love having to clean this contraption as it comes apart in “5 pieces for hand-washing.” Hand-washing? Like a cave person? Oh and you know a fight is totally going to break out when Little Herman is looking for “part # 3” and can’t find it anywhere. He’ll have to drink out of the glass, you know, like a normal 10 year old boy.