Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Figures this Harriet Carter Wednesday falls on St. Patrick’s Day and, of course, my name is Patrick. I’ll try to write in slow sentences, whatever the hell that means, as I assume Harriet is doing keg stands in her office with her bra off followed by a slurred rendition of “We are the Champions” right before she vomits all over the “Summer Fling 2010” catalog draft. Anyway, this week Harriet pisses off (as opposed to “on”) deer and teaches some lousy brat to save his money (i.e hide it from his grifter parents). Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Are you sick to death of all of God’s beloved creatures? If you had a chance would you have shot Bambi instead of Bambi’s mother? Are you two products away from become a certifiable homicidal maniac? Well if you answered, “Shamrocks” to any of those questions Harriet is here to help you piss off the beloved little deer that likes to tip-toe into your backyard and take an innocent little sip from your ceramic bird bath. Introducing “Deer Stopper Barrier Ribbon.” It’s not just for Christmas anymore! All you need to do is string this “ribbon” all around your property and the horrific smell will keep away God’s pets for up to 30 days. I’d get creative if I were you. From the wonderful animated picture it looks like the deer is literally about to leap right into Jesus’ arms. Therefore, I’d string this “ribbon of poison” UP an entire tree and see if the deer could jump directly into the sky and, then, possibly right over the moon. It’s called a science experiment, people. Get educated. And, um, I have an idea. If Harriet was so smart why wouldn’t she wrap this around her car as a way to keep deer from jumping feet first into her front windshield while she drives up a long and windy road? At least it would take care of those pain in the ass “Deer Crossing” signs. I almost picture the deer jumping on the side of the road like dolphins in the middle of the ocean doing tricks for the drunken tourists on cruise ships.
Product # 2 – It’s amazing how I couldn’t love my two nieces any more than I do, yet the site of some other kids make me want to chop of my ding-dong as a way to guarantee I never have one of my own. This kid. Ugh. Maybe if little Billy wasn’t too busy eating his hand he’d be able to save a little more money because that “Parking Meter Bank” is completely empty….kinda like his future, I assume. And the description completely makes the entire product worth it. It says such inspiring phrases like, “Be your own meter maid.” I mean, and what 7 year old boy doesn’t want to be a meter maid?. It’s basically: Astronaut, baseball player, meter maid. I also like how it says, “…that will never expire and stick you with a ticket.” Yeah. Isn’t that already understood? If Little Billy is waiting for this inanimate object to write him a ticket I’d quickly get him tested for childhood on-set schizophrenia. However, the final line is perhaps the best I’ve read in a while, “This clear tube lets you watch savings grow, PERHAPS TO PAY FOR REAL PARKING VIOLATIONS SOME DAY!” Wow-o-wow! That’s right, dream big Little Billy! One day you might get to use all that money to pay tickets! Forget college and that “once-in-a-while” hooker. Nope. You should just be saving for “tickets money.” Keep eating those fingers Billy. It all goes downhill from here.