Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday Thursday! With The Hills now on Tuesday nights, the Harriet Carter time slot has been temporarily moved to Thursday. Perhaps I’ll switch it to Monday. At the end of the day it’s really not any of your business. Nosy. Anyway, this week Harriet keeps your stuff safe for about 10 seconds, helps you decide what time you should kill yourself, and finally lets you know what Swine Flu smells like. Yum! Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Are you trying to figure out exactly when you should be taking the ultimate dirt nap? Are you looking for a sign if you’ve come to the end of days? Are the only people left in your life the cats that surround your clock? Well if you answered “meow, bitch, meow” to any of these rhetorical questions then does Harriet have the final sign for you! Introducing the Pussy Cat Clock! The only real decision you’ll have to make is if you should kill yourself at half past the white cat or quarter ’till the brown cat. Either way it’s a win-win. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey IBBB, you’re 7 sentences in and you’ve only made one pussy joke.” I’d answer, “Snatch.” I know what else you’re thinking, “Hey IBBB, if I’m so lonely who’s gonna help me end it all? I’m too lazy to do it myself.” I’d answer, “Meow.” I’d also answer, “It’s time to get creative! Now I’m assuming you have upwards of 12 cats in your hoarder of a house. In actuality you probably have 20 cats, but 8 of those cats are dead under the 16 years of newspapers that you’ve never thrown out. Anygross, here’s what you need to do. Hang rope from ceiling fan. Tie live mice to bottom of chair. Stand on chair. Use rope on self. Call cats over to chair. Hope that cats knock chair over. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. ” You’ll be squealing with delight from hell when your ghost is watching the paramedics trying to call the time of death. Thanks Harriet for guaranteeing my place in hell. I, of course, will see you all there. M-E-O-W!
Product # 2 – Hey there fatass! Food always on your mind? Do you have a hard time writing without breaking into a cold sweat due to hunger pains? Me either! Well now you don’t have to live like a caveman anymore and write with pens that don’t smell like your favorite foods. Now you can fully concentrate on your math homework and sniff vanilla cupcakes the entire time. Don’t forget to “carry the 1” tons-of-fun! Not for nothing, but whatever happened to just, you know, writing with pens that, you know, work just like pens. Regular pens. Why do they need to smell? I remember simpler times when you’d be in school and just smell your own farts. Those were the days. Actually, those still are the days, but I digress. Also, I have an idea. Why not keep things that your dirty fingers have been on away from your nose and mouth. I mean, let’s try to keep the spread of the Swine Flu down to about 65% of the population instead of the 70% as predicted. I can just picture little Messy Tessy digging for clams and then you ask to borrow her meatloaf scented pen. You just can’t help yourself and so you sniff and lick it for your entire Social Studies class. Presto. Swine Flu. Thanks Harriet for keeping us obese and on our death bed.
Product # 3 – Hola ladies! Are you looking for a new padlock for your chastity belt? I’m sure there are a few non-skanks left out there, right? I mean with the latest craze of “sexting” I doubt any of you will need this, but in the unlikely event you are virgin-like, Harriet has you hooked up. Introducing the “Siren Padlock” or the “Yelling Boxlock” as I like to call it. Simply lock your box with this contraption and if anyone tries to tamper with it it will go off for a full “ten seconds.” Oh no! Not 10 FULL seconds?! How in the world can anyone stand an alarm sound for 10 seconds?! So let me get this right. The alarm goes off. Maybe a neighbor hears it and by the time they realize what it is the alarm stops, to which your neighbor thinks you probably turned the alarm off and then they carry on with their regular activities (beating their kids). Now I’d like to know that when this alarm does go off for a never-ending 10 seconds, does that yellow lightning bolt squiggle line also appear? Because if it does I might just buy it. If all of a sudden I saw a cartoon-like yellow squiggle line appear I’d certainly run the other way. And by “run” I mean “go back to sleep.”
