Harriet Carter Wednesday: If You Need This Stuff, Please Leave Planet Earth.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  Every now and then Harriet comes out with some real crash-bang-zinger products that make me want to never visit middle America because I imagine houses being filled with this crap.  That probably explains why everyone hangs out at either a gas station or Super Walmart.  But I digest.  Anywaste, this week Harriet color codes your sandwich tools, helps you eat whilst driving, and allows middle-aged women to use ice cream shaped lipstick because “white-trash skank” seldom goes out of style.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Time for lunch, stupid!  Do you have to struggle through making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?  Do you wonder how the human race made these sandwiches for hundreds of years with caveman tools such as a knife and…a knife?  Well you aren’t alone.  I mean, you’re borderline in a coma, but you’re not alone!  Harriet seems to think that in order to make a PB&J (which, in Harriet’s house stands for “Penis Breath and Jizz”) you need a color-coded tool to scoop and spread the peanut butter and the jelly.  Harriet tells us that the color-coding makes it “nearly” impossible to confuse the two.  She says “nearly” because, let’s face it, if you’re buying from this catalog the chances are pretty good that you’ll still confuse the two.  Now you almost never have to accidentally stick your peanut butter knife into the jelly jar.  I mean, God forbid you use two separate knives.  You know you’re just licking them and putting them back in the drawer anyway.  Regardless, Harriet really thinks outside her box and lets us know that you can use this spreader for such things as butter, cream cheese, mayo, and mustard.  She did not mention relish, so I would call the 1-800 number to make sure that this spreader can, indeed, be used for relish.  You’d be surprised how many people make that mistake!  Thanks, Harriet, for complicating sandwiches!

Product # 2 – Please, don’t be like the millions of other people in the world who allow their driving to interfere with their lunch schedule.  Take back lunch and simply eat your healthy hamburger, french fries, and unnamed soda whilst driving.  Seriously, who would just place their hamburger on that nasty ass tray without a wrapper or napkin of some sort.  It’s amazing that there are laws that don’t allow us to drive while using our cell phones, but having a full meal seems to be acceptable.  And why stop there? No, no what else can you do in the car?  How ’bout adding a sewing machine or cotton candy machine?  And you know the people who buy this never wash it.  Ever.  It’s all sticky and gross and has M&M’s, soda, dust, and nickels stuck to it.  It probably smells like a 50 yrs old dishwasher.  You know what I would use it for?  A chair.  That’s right, a chair.  I would sit on that and try to drive so that I can easily see what the people are doing driving next to me. I’m innovative like that.

Product # 3 – Ow!  Yow!  Ow Ow!  Who. Is. That. Sexy. Failure. Model. Chick?  What a real dish that FMC is!  If you’re a middle-aged woman who wants to hold on to her youth then does Harriet have the product for you.  Presenting: Lipstick in an ice cream cone that also doubles as a key chain.  Ole!  Look at how Failure Model Chick “models” the use of the product.  She dips her skanked-out finger into the lip-gloss and then gently pats it on her crusty lips.  And you totally know she’s dabbing a little gloss on her “downstairs beast” too and by “downstairs beast” I am, of course, talking about her Failure Model Vagina.  Of course.  It’s just your typical FMC FMV.  Honestly, at this point I have no idea what I’m even talking about.  All I do know is that FMC is too old to be using teeny-bopper products like this.  She should be sticking to her zinc-pink lipstick so she can attract the boys at the BINGO hall.