Product # 2 – In retrospect, Product # 1 really should have been Product # 2 for obvious reasons. Moving on. Why Bindi…..Sue….Irwin…..you little f’n bitch. I know what I’m asking Jesus Claus for Christmas this year! If you aren’t all filled up on your weekly Bindi Irwin intake on television now you can own a little piece of the bitch to play with all the live long day. Sometimes I wish Santa Christ took Bindi instead of Jon Benet, but that’s another blog topic for another time. Bitchy Barbie Bindi now comes with plastic hair on the top of her head and real life-life horse hair for pigtails. The pig part is fitting. Bitch-Bag Bindi also comes with a stereotypical koala, a camera, a bottle, a book, and a stethoscope because clearly (at the age of 11) Bindi is fit to perform medical procedures on animals. I’m not sure why they decided to not crimp her hair, but I’ll be writing a letter that’s for sure. As Bindi grows older and more annoying you can also buy some additional accessories such as a little knife that Bindi will use on her arms when she becomes a “cutter” when the fame goes away, meth and booze for when she realizes that her bowl-cut-mullet-cameltoe-sporting mother never let her grieve the loss of her father, and a toothbrush with an extra long handle that will fit nicely down her throat when she realizes that Hollywood isn’t interested in fat asses. Oh boy what a treat! Now don’t just spoil your kids with this Bindi doll. Make sure you also hand deliver this wondrous present to the registered sex offenders in your very own neighborhood. Remember folks, Level 3’s still need love too. Thanks, Harriet, for ensuring my ticket to hell. Ole!
Product # 3 – Hey there sexy hand! Oh la la! Is this hand made in tre-chic France because it couldn’t be classier and sexier. If you’re looking to store your ugly gold (probably fake) jewelry somewhere safe, perhaps you should consider hanging it on this beautiful pink hand. Oh la la look at the way the fingers don’t even fit directly into the fabric. And the base of it is all bunched up around the rounded edges. Looks like the kids in the Harriet Carter sweatshop are slacking on their duties and don’t know the first thing about cross-stitching (I don’t even know if that’s a real thing). If you’re going to buy this sexy satin hand I suggest you really get your money worth and see if you can bend the fingers slightly to form a chocking motion around your neck. Or, for the fella’s in the audience, see if you can get the fingers bent into a position that firmly grabs your junk. You can pretend the French maid is not only dusting your collectibles, but your sex stick as well. Whomever the lucky woman is that receives this hand, I recommend you cut off all the fingers besides the middle one and leave it on your husbands desk. He’ll get the message and you can always use those extra fingers for other things. And I think ya know what those other things are because I’m clearly 10 and my mind is typically in the gutter or focusing on The Hills.