Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday…the Wednesday before Easter! For those of you who don’t know what Easter is, it’s basically the day when Eli Whitney created the cotton gin so that he could make a real-life Easter bunny who would help Jesus carry the cross and figure out if we’ll have 6 more weeks of winter. Now that we’re all caught up, this week Harriet is wrapping your gifts with jokes, is protecting me from all of God’s creatures, and livens up your drinks with horrible/terrible tragedies. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – There are jokes simply everywhere in life! An according to Harriet Carter wrapping paper can be a real bend-over-and-shit-your-pants-funny prank in itself! Image the hours of laughter you’ll receive when someone realizes that you’ve wrapped their gift in paper that allows you to just simply check-off what the event is. What a treat! Let me tell you a little something. If I ever received a gift with this paper on it let me tell ya how I’d respond. I would, of course, perform a quick fake laugh and then I would immediately start the brainstorm session on the “thank you note” which will, more than likely, consist of me crapping into an old Stride Rite shoebox, placing it on your front porch, lighting it on fire, and then ringing your doorbell and running behind the bushes. Once you answer the door and put out the fire I will, of course, have a piano drop on your head from the roof of your trailer. See? Gifts really can be fun and funny! Oh, and this comical wrapping paper also comes with a hysterical card that says, “You’d Be Dead in Dog Years. Happy Birthday.” Simply stated, if I received that card I would just drive to your house and shoot your dog. Simple. Easy. To the point. Thanks, Harriet, for giving the gift that keeps on giving.
Product # 2 – Finally Harriet is on my side! Sweet! Thanks to the “Scram Patrol” I can now “shoe” away all of God’s blessed creatures. I will, of course, be testing this out on anything and everything. I will start with dogs and cats and then move onto birds and squirrels. Later I will graduate to bees and butterflies and shortly thereafter I will move onto homeless people and telemarketers. Although, something tells me that if a 150 pound pit-bull was running towards me and I pointed a shiny yellow “gun-like” instrument at them they may, they just may, rip the piss out of my face and eat my hands and then piss on my dead rotting corpse. Not too sure if the “one 9V battery” is going to protect my ass. I’m sure there are instructions on this gun that tells you to scream “SCRAM PATROL, SCRAM PATROL, SCRAM PATROL” as you fire it at the loving animals. I’m actually going to bring this to work with me and when someone asks me a question I’m just going to point it at them. Hell, this may solve all the problems in my life. Thanks, Harriet, for continuing to serve and protect! Now don’t be such a cheap bitch and provide the damn 9V battery, you trash-heap-whore. Thanks!
Product # 3 – Know what’s a real hoot at a party? Titanic inspired “ship and iceberg” ice cubes for your drinks! Because I know when I think of the Titanic I think of a “funny gag prop for a drink.” This is terrible. Other hysterical ice cube trays that I hear are in the works at the Harriet Carter lab is: “Holocaust and Hitler cubes,” and “Jesus of Nazareth, nails, and a cross cubes,” and “Twin Towers and airplanes cubes,” and perhaps my personal favorite, “Columbine High School and guns cubes.” Talk about a real conversation starter! Good luck having these conversations because people will be doubled over from all their laughing that you may never even get a chance to discuss! Thanks Harriet for reminding us how funny history really can be. Oh, and best of luck in hell! See you there!