Well, well, well. So here we are again. Funny seeing you here. How could I not start this site up on any other day than Harriet Carter Wednesday. I’m sure the Harriet Carter sales have been down by at least 75% since I stopped blogging. Well, like the herpes allegedly on Harriet’s vaginastein, I’m back and I’m back with a vengeance. Wow, 6 sentences in and I’m already starting with a smut joke. It feels good.
This week Harriet debuts her Fall line of burglar-chic fashion, helps you frost your 80’s perm like a birthday cake, and brings her 90’s “chat-room” slang to your morning coffee. This should all be terrible. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Hey burglars! Are you sick and tired of being stereotyped as your typical “at night” burglar? I know I am! What fun is your job if the people you’re robbing are sleeping?! There’s more of a rush when you break into a house in the middle of the day and have to fight off the neighborhood dog and a Vietnamese family of 6. Between them chasing the dog with a knife and chasing you, well, as you can imagine the hijinks writes itself. Just be sure that if you’re going to burglarize a house during daylight hours, like the man in the above photo is, you dress accordingly. Nothing will draw attention to yourself quite like wearing all black, carrying a flashlight (turned on), and apparently painting your face black. Oh, and be sure to carry a crobar raised about shoulder height because this won’t look out of the ordinary, at all. Just be careful if you’re walking by a plastic box hot-glued to a wooden pole because odds are that it’s a hidden camera. Also, if above that wooden pole is a sign that says, “It’s a Camera!” be sure to run the other way. The house in the background is probably at least valued at $550K. It makes perfect sense that they’d protect their half-million dollar property with a $19.95 plastic security system. If you even make it past that wooden pole I’m sure you’ll run into a sign that says “Beware of Dog” that has a picture of a rabid dog saying “Woof.” Thanks Harriet for making this world a safer place. Skank.
Product # 2 – Hey there ladies! Has the economy got you down? Can’t afford to get your hair colored by the professionals? Well that doesn’t mean you have to let yourself go. Hell no. If you’re willing to look like Farrah Fawcett during the drug years and have your hair stink like Anna Nicole’s rotting corpse well then does Harriet have the product for you! Thanks to the apparent magic of Jerome Russell you can now….wait for it….wait for it….wait for it…..spray in “natural” blond highlights into your 80’s perm. Ole! Who knew this crap wasn’t just sold in the Halloween aisle next to those plastic masks and hillbilly teeth during the month of October? No really, who knew this? I want names. Anyfrost, please ladies make sure that when you’re spraying down your mop you’re making sure not to forget those other places too. And I’m not just talking about your eyebrows. No, no. Make sure you’re giving a quick spritz in your nether-regions. Get creative. Make a design, spray in your initials like you’re pissing your name into a new snowfall. This may just save your sham of a marriage. Oh, and rumor has it this spray can be used as a self tanner for magical places like your taint and elbows. Try it out, but be sure to have your emergency contacts on standby in case you burn right through the skin. Seriously, I have no idea where I was going with this. That is all. Thanks Harriet for making poor chicks 80’s hot!
Product # 3 – LOL! Do you think you never get to call your best friend your “BFF” enough? Are you still trying to figure out what the hell “YTB” means” Do you constantly live in a chatroom? If you’ve answered “who cares” to any of these questions then I have something that may be right up your alley. Ouch! Now you can impress all your friends with these LOL mugs…and by “friends” I, of course, mean “message-board acquaintances.” But don’t just waste your money with these three mugs! Oh hell no! Create some more of your own. I’ll start. How ’bout “TIAFWOM” which translates to “This is a F*cking Waste of Money.” Or maybe “YYAPGTDA” meaning “Yes You Are Probably Going to Die Alone.” Have your officemates laughing when you’re sipping out of your very own “INWMHAITANSITSNTYATIH5YOMWBTMC” which, of course, easily translates to “I Never Wash My Hands After I Take a Nasty Sh*t In the Stall Next To You and Then I High 5 You on My Way Back to My Cubical.” What a treat. The possibilities are endless. Thanks, Harriet, for all the LOL’s. J/K.
Well folks, that concludes another HCW. Feels good.