Harriet Carter Wednesday: Hide Your Crap!

Grab your wallet and get ready to spend because it’s Harriet Carter Wednesday!  In today’s tough economic climate people still need to receive gifts.  You need to buy them.  Maybe you can buy some of these gems?  See how that works?  I’m helpful.  This week Harriet helps to pre-qualify burglars, makes t-shirts confusing, and allows us to pour “heart attack” all over our popcorn.  Let’s go!

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Product # 1  –  Look, if burglars are going to ransack your trailer, you might was well save them a little time if you don’t have a lot of stuff that they can rob.  Now me, personally, I leave post-it-notes around my apartment stating “I don’t own anything of value.”  That’s one way to let the robbers know, “Thank you for stopping by, but I bet there’s better crap in the apartment next door.”  Well if post-it-notes aren’t for you and you want to be even more helpful does Harriet have the product for you!  Now you can not only hide your $10.00 watch in a fake can of AquaNet, but you can even toss your fake set of $1.99 pearls in a fake can of Dr. Pepper.  This way you don’t even have to worry about the burglars going through all your stuff.  The moment they see that you use such high-end products like “AquaNet” and “Barbasol” they’ll probably just leave your trailer.  I mean, they’ll be pissed and will probably knock over your Futon on the way out, but that will only break your TV Tray, at best.  It’s a win-win, really. 

Wanna read more Harriet?  Click on the wonderous link below:

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Product # 2 – Sally! Johnny!  Come downstairs!  Mommy and Daddy want to give you kids a heart-attack!  Obviously Harriet and crew haven’t heard of a little epidemic called “The Obesity Problem in the United States.”  She says “to hell with it.”  Screw obesity, pour butter over it!  Now THAT should be on a t-shirt.  Thanks to this handy-dandy microwavable butter-raper, you can pour as much “heart attack juice” as you want all over your popcorn and other meals.  Hell, pour some in a shot glass and chase it with some blood-thinner.  There are no rules when you’re trying to turn your arteries into concrete tubes.  Oh, and does anyone know what that liquid on the last photo is supposed to be of?  I mean, I know that’s the color your heart turns after using this product, but is that shit or motor oil?  It’s a tough call.  Maybe these guys should stop selling these type of products and replace them with metal wires so you can wire your jaw shut and stop allowing your fat ass to eat. Perhaps this butter-raper can come with some metal wire so that you eat your heart-attack popcorn for the last time and then lock up your mouth.  Why am I not choosing products for the crapalog?

 

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Product # 3 – I like to file this product under the “2 Birds with 1 Stone” category.  Not only is this shirt not even .00001%, but I’m almost certain this guy may be Level 3 Sex Offender.  Harriet is helping sell t-shirts and get diddlers off the street.  What’s better than that?  Anytrash, what does this t-shirt even mean? “You Had Me at Beer?”  What does that even mean?  Is that spin on the terrible Jerry McGuire quote “You Had Me at Hello.”  I mean, that quote made sense because Tom Cruise said “Hello” and then went into his sappy lines.  But in this case….huh?  Does someone start a sentence with “beer?”  Doubtful.  More than likely the conversation goes like this:  “Hey.  Can I take your coat?  What’s new in the news?  How’s the wife and kids?  Good?  Good.  Can I grab you anything to eat?  Chips?  Salsa?  Want to order a pizza?  Want a beer?”
Therefore it is scientifically proven that this shirt saying makes no sense.  I’m a scientist.

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