Harriet Carter Wednesday: Here Pretty, Crappy, Kitty!

Well Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to you and yours! As we get closer to Thanksgiving I would like to say that I am most thankful for all the products that Harriet Carter tries to sell me. I am also grateful for the “Y/K’ on most of my zippers, but that’s another story for another time in another place. This week, Harriet cooks your cat, allows you to crap on your hands, and makes it possible to look at yourself no matter where you are. Let’s go!Product # 1 – I’m not going to lie to you. At first glance I assumed this contraption allows you to cook your cat in the sky. Yes? Now are those 3 red snakes that are going towards that black plastic oval in the sky? Is this cat helping to remove snakes similar to the way that St Patrick got rid of the snakes? Most importantly, is this cat not only smiling, but wearing blush on its cheeks as well? So many questions so little time. Well, we’re all wrong. This is actually a litter box called the “Ca ouse.” I’ll repeat that. The description calls this a “Ca ouse.” Not really sure why there’s a space between the two words and I’m even more confused on what an “ouse” is, but nevertheless people should buy it just so that their cats can turn into animated sketches and smile. This “Ca ouse” can also “de-scent skunk odor.” Really? What’s going on with your cat that it needs all this? I was always taught that if your cat get sprayed by a skunk you just flush it down the toilet. Was I taught incorrectly? I mean, that’s what we did with my great grandmother, so I just assumed that was normal protocol for cats. Anygato, I’ll be using this to cook my neighborhood cats. It comes with a plug and the economy is pretty dicey right now so I think it’s my best bet. Meow, Harriet. Meow.

Product # 2 – Hey there shitty fingers! Are you looking to dip you fingers into your chocolate milk maker? Are you gross? Do you look forward to spreading germs all over your bathroom? Well if you’ve answered “huh?” to any of these questions do I have the product for you! Why it’s Toilet Paper Foam, but of course! The “TPF” is used to add a foaming cleanser to your toilet paper so that your bum can basically get spit-shined after you take a dainty poop or projectile explosive diarrhea all over your bathroom wall. Simply pump a few squirts onto your toilet paper and VOILA! Sparkle bum! Luckily toilet paper usually does well when it gets wet so I’m certain that your fingers won’t poke a hole through the paper and you’ll accidentally give yourself your very own colonoscopy. Move over, Katie Couric, because now you can do this in your very own home! While the brand name is “Aaah” I’m sure you’ll be screaming “YOWZA” when three fingers enter the bum. Enjoy trying to wipe the feces off your hand without touching the sink faucets or door know. Cleanliness all around! Thanks, Harriet, for making shitting on my hand fun!

Product # 3 – Hey there Vanity Smurf! Are you looking to bring a life-sized mirror with you wherever you go? Of course you are. Well now you can simply tuck and roll this mirror under your arm (like Mr. Brady’s plans) and bring this mirror with you wherever you go! I’ll be bringing my on the train with me in the morning, at Dunkin Donuts, into my afternoon meeting, and possibly even church. I’ll want to know if the diddler priests are trying to sneak up on me at all times. And is this chick serious with her reflection? The real chick is looking down and the one in the mirror is kinda looking out of the corner of her eyes. Looks like they mixed up the cartoon drawing of her. Too bad they couldn’t use an actual image of an actual person with the actual product. Crazy thought, I know. Hopefully she’ll be sticking this mirror onto the floor so she can take a look at her naughty bits. It’s totally multi-purpose. Thanks, Harriet, for breaking mirrors everywhere you go!

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