Happy Spooktacular Harriet Carter Wednesday! See what I just did there? It’s the week of Halloween and I used the word “spooktacular.” It really made the sentence festive and I think people will be able to relate to it. I’m a wicked pissah writer like that and junk. Anyway, this week Harriet shows us innovative ways to make penguins sad by killing them, tries to scare the sh*t out of you (literally), and reminds us that dogs sniffing each others bum-holes can welcome anyone into your home. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Uh oh! You better get ready to sh*t your pants twice, you white-trash jokester! As you know, here in The United States and of the Americas, Halloween is right around the corner and citizens (and only citizens) love to play scary pranks on each other. Sometimes this consists of pranks in the bathroom. Sometimes it doesn’t, but this time it does. Here’s what you do. You place this “fake” toilet paper roll on the holder and when your disgusting friend, who can’t hold in his food, takes a nasty dump in your newly cleaned toilet he’ll be spraying projectile diarrhea all over the wall after he hears the toilet paper roll saying such spoooooky things like, “Whahahaha,” and “Aaaaaah” and my personal favorite, “Howling!” Sometimes even when it’s not Halloween I just stand outside of the bathroom and just yell “Howling!” at the person who’s going. Hopefully this will also scare you with other words like, “Noise,” or “A Witch is Laughing Right Now,” or “Chattering Teeth.” You and your exploding diarrhea friend will be squealing with delight after he/she realizes that this was just a prank and the toilet paper wasn’t, in fact, possessed. If that ever happened to me I would “prank” my friend back by using their toothbrush to clean up the sh*t that I sprayed all over their wall. I’d also use their “for company only” towels to wipe my bum-bum….but I usually do that anyway, so that’s neither here nor there. Thanks, Harriet, for making taking a “Shasta McNasty” eventful!
Product # 2 – Whatever happened to the simpler days of a welcome mat that just said “welcome” and maybe had 3 apples going across it? Well those days are gone (thanks “the 60’s”) so now you can greet your guests with a nice wholesome doormat consisting of a dog sniffing another dogs bum-hole. Mmmm! I can’t wait to enter your house and have some of those Brownies you made, which you probably let your dog lick the egg-beater. Now should I inject the rabies directly into my body, or just wait it out? Seriously if this is the doormat you choose to show people I already know you don’t wash you hands after you go to the bathroom, there’s most certainly your snot underneath your coffee table, you use a pencil to clean your ears, you’re wearing 3-day-old skid-marked underpants, you fart under the covers and then dive underneath to smell them out, you clip your nails in work (at your desk…and you work in a cubical), you don’t wash your hands after you handle raw meat, you leave a ring around your bathtub, you have yellow pit-stains on all your shirts, you sneeze on your hands and then shake hands with others at church, you wear a black coat to work and have white and/or gray cat hair all over it and we have to look at it on the elevator, and you have cat-piss stains all over the rugs in your house that have seeped down right to the hardwood floors. And it’s permanently stained. Anyway that’s what this kind of doormat means to me. What the hell were we talking about again? Oh, anyway, I’ve already been put on a waiting list for the latest doormat which is of a teenage girl having an abortion. Hopefully it gets here before Christmas!
Product # 3 – If you’re like me you’re probably sick of trying to feed stray dogs Pop Rocks and Coke, kicking three-legged cats, and are really incredibly handsome. But if you’re also like me, you are looking to really kick up your hatred of animals up a notch. Well thanks to the PETA department at the Harriet Carter Science Labs, you can slooooowly torture poor innocent penguins. What fun! Que suerte! If you’re sick of always seeing penguins all “cute and happy” you can finally do something about it! So how ’bout hopping on the bandwagon and giving your very own penguin lung cancer thanks to some constant second-hand smoke! He’ll like it, trust me. And if you don’t trust me, just catch a glimpse of his face. That’s one happy penguin. Awww poor penguin. He looks so sad, as would I if someone was using me as an ashtray. You know what will probably make him feel better? Maybe just burn him a little with that cigarette. Maybe on his nose or something. Maybe all over? You get to decide because it’s your penguin. That’s the beauty of this. I’m also enjoying the hi-tech feature that the description is bragging about when it says, “Close door, fan shuts off!” Wow-e-wow! Next thing you know the light will go off in the refridgerator when you close that door too!