And on the 7th day, God rested. Then on the 8th day, God created Harriet Carter. From that, white-trash was born and all the angels and saints rejoiced and began purchasing products they did not need like sweatshirts that said things like, “Today Ain’t a Good Day For Me. Tomorrow Doesn’t Look Good Either.” Amen. This week, Harriet is pouring religion down our throats and making sure our death goes off without a hitch. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – ….and on that cold winter night, Mary and Joseph went to deliver their miracle baby and the worker at the inn, who apparently was just Santa Claus, told them there was no room. So Mary gave birth to the baby Jesus in a manger whilst Santa times her contractions, gave her the Epidural, and then finally cut the umbilical cord and provided the baby Jesus with many presents like Tickle Me Elmo, xBox 360, and a couple of Bratz dolls…..just like it is all stated in the Bible. Oh, and all of this took place on a shiny bright big apple. Perhaps in New York City? I’m not good with geography. Seriously, Santa was not at the birth of Jesus, was he? I mean, I didn’t think they had red fabric, buckles, and an abundance of cotton, but maybe they did? I mean, the rest of the Jesus clan were all dressed in plain sheets, but Santa is dressed up enough to get into the Roxy. What a way to teach kids about Jesus! It’s like, “Hey kids, would you rather look at the little baby who is just laying in hay, or would you rather get to know the big man in a friendly red suit…..oh and did I mention he brings you all the gifts your greedy little hearts could desire?”
Product # 2 – Have you mastered that whole “Virgin Mary giving birth to a baby?” Feel like you’ve got your mind around “Being crucified and rising from the dead on the 3rd day?” Have you heared enough about the “Ascension into Heaven?” Well if so, it’s time to really unmask the true mysteries of the Bible like, “Why are there no cats in the bible?” You know God and baby Jesus are smiling and beaming with pride looking down at you and thinking, “He totally gets it!” Just think, you can impress all your sinner friends at dinner when you bust out interesting information like, “How come Jesus hardly ever commented on Mary’s Facebook status,” or “Exotic places to hide your weed in the Garden of Eden,” or “Remember that whole ‘collecting 2 of each animal and placing them on the arc?’ well we just brought 1 bird and it wasn’t so much an arc as it was a canoe.” Everyone will be thinking you’re the second coming of Christ will all this pointless biblical trivia that is likely made up and written by a 2nd grader. Was Mary Magdalene the first woman to have “The Rachel?” Read the book!
Product # 3 – Thanks to the Harriet Carter At Home Will now you can breathe a sigh of relief when you’re taking the ultimate dirt nap. I feel like the Will reading will go a little something like this: “Billy Bob, Jethro, Bobby Sue Ann – thank you all for coming to your Uncle Grandpa Nana’s Will reading. His final wishes are as follows: To my beloved bastard child, Billy Bob, I leave you my faded Garfield car window stick-on stuffed animal whose tongue blows in the wind when the window is slightly open. I wish to leave my collection of Exxon/Mobile Celtic’s dinner drinking glasses to my hot daughter Bobby Sue Ann. Daddy always liked the way you kissed the best. My collection of ceramic cats dressed in 1800’s garb that can be used as both a paper weight and a door stopper shall go to my son/nephew Jethro, as he always liked cats and he always liked open doors. My collection of McDonald’s Teenie Beenie Babies, will be buried with me as they are my most prized possessions. The rest of my money and all of my properties shall be divided equally amongst all my children. Each child shall receive 4 $10’s, 5 $20’s, 2 $100’s, and 1 $500. As far as properties go, Billy Bob shall receive Park Place and Boardwalk. Jethro will take Mediterranean and Baltic (along with two hotels, which can bring in a nice chunk of change after someone passes Go). And Bobby Sue Ann shall have all 4 railroads. I have one “get out of jail free” card which may go to your Momma if you see fit. I love(ish) you (almost) all. Please do not try to dispute this at home Will, as I have signed it in a cherry scented unwashable Crayola marker. See you in hell!”
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