Here comes Carter Claus, here comes Carter Claus, right down Money Wasted Lane! Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. Only 8 more sleeps until all you garbage bag trash barrels will wake up and unwrap your gifts from Carter Claus. What a treat. This week Harriet is giving your elderly grandmother the worst makeover ever, allows your coffee pot to tell you why you’re going to die alone, and takes you on an all expense paid white-trash staycation! Let’s go!
Product # 1 – “Honey? Come downstairs because I have a surprise for you! Ok, so you know how I’ve been working a lot lately and haven’t been home much? And remember how you assumed I was having an affair with my secretary? Weeeelll, I was. BUT, I was also working really hard and you’ve been so great with following me to work, hiding in the bushes with binoculars, and keeping the house sorta clean. It means a lot, really. So, I figured we need a change of pace and should go somewhere great, tropical even. Well, pack your bags because I got us an all expense paid trip….wait for it….wait for it…..you’re gonna have to do that thing to Mr. Winky that you swore off after we officially were married….wait for it…..wait for it…….lose a few pounds…..wait for it….wait for it….an all expense paid trip to…..THE COUCH! I know! We’re going to sit on the couch and look at scenes of places that I’m too cheap to EVER take you. I’m going to need you to clean up the living room a little, though, before we go on “our trip” because I don’t want to stare at one scene on the TV in a room that isn’t in tip-top shape. Oh, and can you maybe make us a little something to eat while we watch the scene? You know what? You cook all the time and this is a vacation after all, so you can totally go out and pick us up some takeout. While you’re out pick me up some beers. Corona’s, maybe, because I want to feel like I’m on the beach with some hot models instead of sitting on the couch with you wearing a holiday sweater that says “Merry Catmas” stitched across the front. So, anyway, you’re welcome honey. Aren’t I the greatest!”
Product # 2 – It’s no surprise that we’re still in a recession so you better go dust of nana and get her “job interview ready” because, well, heat is expensive this year and she’s not going to just sit around living off your money. Well if this sounds like the norm in your household, does Harriet Carter have the best product for taking your 85 year old nana down to looking like a 75 year old….and Mona from “Who’s the Boss” all at the same time! Two birds with one stone, my friends, two birds with one stone. Simply wash “Gray Ban” into nana’s dead hair for 28 consecutive days and experience 82% less gray. Now I’m not entirely sure why they can’t seem to master 100% gray coverage like every other single hair dye has been able to do since 1948, but let’s not split hairs at this point. I mean, nana is going to be a business woman again and finally contributing back to society and, well, you can’t put a price on that. Sure she’ll be just answering phones at the morgue, but at least she’ll get a feel for where she’ll be spending the rest of her days soon. Nana should be sure to sprinkle a little Gray Ban on her “downstairs parts” as she may need to show it in order to get that eventual promotion and you don’t want nana looking all mismatched like a cave-person! Now don’t forget to prep nana on some “changes” that have entered the work force since the last time she was there. For example, writing documents with a seagull feather dipped in ink won’t go as fast as the fancy new computer. And rolling up a letter, placing it into a bottle, and tossing it in the ocean won’t get to the recipient as fast as this “the email” that the kids seem to be wild over. Thanks, Harriet, for manufacturing new Mona’s for the work place. Ay oh. Oh, ay.
Product # 3 – Missing all your fingers and on a budget? Who isn’t! Lazy and friendless? We hear that! Clinically psychotic, but can’t seem to afford medication and doctors visits? Preaching to the choir! Well if you’ve answered, “The turkey flies at green Sunday and Benny Hill jive talking” then not only are you, indeed, crazy, but does Harriet have the ultimate life companion for you. Introducing the alleged Talking Coffee Pot! You can instruct your coffee pot to make coffee in 3 quick and easy steps. Step 1: Get real close to said coffee pot, smile, give someone the side-eye and clearly say “Set the coffee brewing time.” Step 2: Wait for said coffee pot to say “Please say the time, including am or pm.” Step 3: Become puzzled by conversation between you and coffee pot and the fact that there already is coffee in the pot. Once you’re done conversing with the coffee pot and have lost every last bit of dignity you have, you’ve officially completed your life-cycle. You can get ready for your dirt nap now because, well, there isn’t much left, is there? It’s ok, go into the light. The days of dressing up your cats in 1800’s garb and seating them around a table set with your fine China and calling them by their names (Mrs Kittyton, Mr Whiskerson, Lady Meowinstein, and Baroness Pussy-Stripes of York) have finally come to close. Thanks, Harriet, for creating friends out of appliances.
Well that concludes another segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday. Tell your friends. Tell them to go to hell while you’re at it!