Harriet Carter Wednesday: God Bless

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Do you think Harriet read this? She should feel really loved knowing that there is a whole day dedicated to her. This time around Harriet has you covered while you eat, while you snack, and while you apparently sweat through your bra. Let’s go…
Product # 1 – This is perhaps one of my new favorite products in the Harriet Carter Catalog. I present to you “The Knork.” Yes, the Knork. Just say it out loud, it’s fun. What is the Knork you ask? Well, it is a combination of both a fork and a knife. I know, you must be wondering, “but how has Harriet invented such an innovative piece of equipment?” Harriet is brilliant and that’s all you need to know. Clearly cutting has become a task that is much to difficult to do. And, who the hell as time to use a knife? You’re not an animal! You need a Knork! The Knork has a a sharp edge that cuts. In fact, the description states, “An easy rocking motion is all is takes to slice through anything from pizza to steak!” Yup, I only buy products that have descriptions that rhyme. The good news is that it’s for people who are either right handed or left handed. What brilliance! Even us retarded left-handers can use it too. We’re lucky. Thanks Harriet for making eating pizza a real hoot!
Product # 2 – Have you ever wanted to really spice up your toothpick collection? Yes, collection. Why not freak out your guests by using this handy dandy toothpick holder that actually is in the shape of a person. Nothing says, “enjoy the cheese” quite like pulling a toothpick out of the eye of the holder. It’s like voodoo for your dinner party. I, of course, would tape a little picture of Harriet on my toothpick holder, but that’s just me. Oh, and why in the picture are there a bunch of toothpicks sticking out of the guys “private area?” Harriet is one angry woman! Frisky too!
Product # 3 – Um, what’s going on in your chest area that you need this type of clothing contraption? Well if you sweat like a whore in church, boy does Harriet have the bra for you! This bra comes with netting for your “lady areas” and then it apparently has ears or something because it also pads under your arm. It’s almost like it gives your boobs wings. I mean, and who doesn’t want to see flying boobs? Let’s face it, this is a million dollar idea. Oh and by “million dollar idea” I actually mean “whoever invented it should get the electric chair.” Seriously if you’re sweating that much go see a doctor. And why is that lady grabbing her stomach? She’s trying to look all sexy. Yeah, nice try looking all hot with that thing on. I’d love to see the expression on the face of the person who you undress for. I bet Harriet totally wears one of those. Only since she is much older and things tend to “fall” a bit I bet she uses those underarm pads as pants pockets. Wow. Bad mental image.
That concludes another Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Only 6 more days until the next one. Or 7 days. I’m not so good with math.
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