Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! This week, Harriet lets people with ADHD multitask and is either giving us a dig or is about to kill her cat. It’s a toss up. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Are you a complete useless douche-bag? Have you ever been taking your daily Shasta McNasty and thought, “I need to make sure my p*ss and sh*t gets on as many things as possible while I’m in here?” Are you 10 times the size of your toilet? Well if you answered “I’m white trash” to any of these questions…you really have a problem with yes/no questions….but, also, Harriet has made doing stinky boom boom a whole lot more fun! Introducing the new and improved Bathroom Fishing Game! So the next time you’re pushing one out, why not throw out your rod, toss on your fisherman hat, slap a random censored sign over your nasty junk, and get ready to catch some rubber fish because, you know, you’re still 12 years old and need to trick yourself into “going potty.” Garbage bag. This thing should come with disposable gloves because you totally know this guy is going to wipe his a** and then use that same disgusting hand to reel in some fake fish. I mean, why not place the rod directly up your bum bum and get the same effect? Hell, why not just give skid-mark-kisses to the wall, the door, and that colorful fish mat that looks like it will burst into flames if it came within 100 yards of a match. And who the hell designed that bathroom? The toilet is, sure, the perfect size for the Olsen Sluts, but we’re not all that size. Some of us don’t want our knees pressed directly up against out chin whilst taking care of Mother Nature’s Nasty Business. And why is the toilet paper roll practically behind the toilet and 6 feet up the wall? Just hang it from the ceiling and use it as a trapeze once the novelty of “Sh*t Fishing” wears off. See? This is what happens when unemployment benefits continue to be extended. Sh*t Fishing. In closing, no one who is over the age of 3 pulls their pants all the way down to the floor when going to the bathroom. Well, no one over the age of 3 with the exception of people in the Tech Support department. Thanks, Harriet, for keeping people out of work.
Product # 2 – Finally! More cat t-shirts with hidden meanings! And what perfect timing to update your wardrobe with the nice weather just around the corner. Wear this cat t-shirt underneath an open bubble vest while appearing in small claims court in the case of “Trailer Park Mindy vs. The Meth Dealer Who Stole Her Grape Crush Soda Cans.” So is this t-shirt a dig towards the owner of the shirt or the cat itself? “Accept Your Irrelevance.” It’s like a message in a Hallmark card. Does Harriet know that cat’s can’t read? She knows that, right? I mean, if they could read I’d probably get a t-shirt that said something like, “Stop Licking Your Cooch” or “9 Lives: 12 Lives Too Many.” You know, something that really makes the cat feel good inside. And notice how in the description Harriet says, “Our White Tee Reads: Accept Your Irrelevance.” Yeah Harriet, we get it. You’re racist (allegedly). I’m sure in your world everything white is right and everything non-white is just “irrelevant.” Disgusting. You’re worse than Kathy Lee Gifford was to those poor kids in that 3rd World country that, you know, made her rich and stuff. Thanks, Harriet, for making this product and ethical debate. One that I can never get my mind around.