Product #1 – Hey there ugly ladies on a budget! Don’t have hundreds of dollars for a microdermabrasion? Do you have $19.95 in your pocket? No? Well can you do about 10 $2 dollar “sucky sucky’s” on the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street? Well if you answered “yes” or even “what the hell are you talking about” to any of these questions, boy does Harriet Carter have the product for you. Now, in the privacy of your own home, you can give yourself your very own microdermabrasion! I know what you’re thinking, “But IBBB, I can’t even cut my sandwich evenly, how could I ever scrub all the ugly off my face evenly?” Great question, trash. It’s really trial and error, so just work one side of your face with this scrubber until you barely look like your old, ugly, beat down, taken one to many “shots” to the face, self and then try to mimic it on the other side. Once the blood starts the “trickling” process, you’ve scrubbed enough away and are ready for your “big date” at Friendly’s. Now, these are tough economic times, so if you can’t afford big prices like $19.95, you can actually make this at home with some simple every day items just sitting around your house. First, you’ll need an electric sander. That’s an electric sander. Next, you’ll need to smash some coffee mugs onto your kitchen floor. Oh, and you’ll need a hot glue gun. Next, glue the broken glass bits onto your electric sander. Finally, rub butter (or margarine) all over your face and work the sander across your face in a “swatting at flies” type motion. Once the swelling goes down, you’ll look years younger. You’re welcome.
Product #2 – Now that your all “sexied up” thanks to Product # 1, you’re ready for that big trip to the Bahamas. Ohhh la la, so exotic. Nothing is more boring than being on a trip with the same ponytail all week long. How does that saying go again? Oh yeah. “Guys don’t make passes at girls that wear the same ponytail every day.” It rhymes. Well now you don’t have to blend in with the local island whores because now you can pack all 6 of your different color ponytails because, you know, that makes sense. Some are dark blond, some are light blond, and I believe that one is actually just a brown bun. And nothing looks less creepy than carrying one of these bags through security at the airport that looks like you have children’s heads locked inside. You’ll be squealing with delight when you’re getting a cavity search by Bertha thanks to these pieces of rotted hair. Seriously, enough with these things. And why is it that it’s always some Asian chick in the middle of the mall trying to glue these things onto your head as you walk by. I’m a dude and they even try to get me to buy them. They’re always like, “Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” I always reply with the simplistic answer, “I have airborne HIV.” Sure, it’s not overly funny, but once I walk out of Pretzel Time and back by their wooden cart, they’re certainly not asking to talk to me again.
Product # 3 – How many times have you wished and prayed that there was something out there that would protect just the top half of your out-of-date clothes? I know most of my prayers to baby Jesus and Santa Christ start with this request. Well clearly my prayers have been answered because finally someone has thought up the brilliant invention of “cheap plastic over cheap clothes.” I bet nothing is flammable about any of this. Look at the shit-bag clothes hanging…in the sky? I don’t even think it zippers. Stupid. Even the moths, who LOVE eating your clothes, aren’t desperate enough to try to get through your “Fort Knox” protective clothing system you’ve got going on over there. Honestly, if the homeless were offered any of that crap you’ve got hanging there, they’d probably say, “No thanks, it’s not that cold out. I’m cool.” Now I may not be one of those scientists that the Research and Development team at Harriet Carter have, but I’m pretty sure you can achieve the same protection by tossing an old moldy shower curtain over your clothes. There, I just saved you $4.99. Put that money towards newer ponytails.