Product #1 â Hey there ugly ladies on a budget! Donât have hundreds of dollars for a microdermabrasion? Do you have $19.95 in your pocket? No? Well can you do about 10 $2 dollar âsucky suckyâsâ on the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street? Well if you answered âyesâ or even âwhat the hell are you talking aboutâ to any of these questions, boy does Harriet Carter have the product for you. Now, in the privacy of your own home, you can give yourself your very own microdermabrasion! I know what youâre thinking, âBut IBBB, I canât even cut my sandwich evenly, how could I ever scrub all the ugly off my face evenly?â Great question, trash. Itâs really trial and error, so just work one side of your face with this scrubber until you barely look like your old, ugly, beat down, taken one to many âshotsâ to the face, self and then try to mimic it on the other side. Once the blood starts the âtricklingâ process, youâve scrubbed enough away and are ready for your âbig dateâ at Friendlyâs. Now, these are tough economic times, so if you canât afford big prices like $19.95, you can actually make this at home with some simple every day items just sitting around your house. First, youâll need an electric sander. Thatâs an electric sander. Next, youâll need to smash some coffee mugs onto your kitchen floor. Oh, and youâll need a hot glue gun. Next, glue the broken glass bits onto your electric sander. Finally, rub butter (or margarine) all over your face and work the sander across your face in a âswatting at fliesâ type motion. Once the swelling goes down, youâll look years younger. Youâre welcome.
Product #2 â Now that your all âsexied upâ thanks to Product # 1, youâre ready for that big trip to the Bahamas. Ohhh la la, so exotic. Nothing is more boring than being on a trip with the same ponytail all week long. How does that saying go again? Oh yeah. âGuys donât make passes at girls that wear the same ponytail every day.â It rhymes. Well now you donât have to blend in with the local island whores because now you can pack all 6 of your different color ponytails because, you know, that makes sense. Some are dark blond, some are light blond, and I believe that one is actually just a brown bun. And nothing looks less creepy than carrying one of these bags through security at the airport that looks like you have childrenâs heads locked inside. Youâll be squealing with delight when youâre getting a cavity search by Bertha thanks to these pieces of rotted hair. Seriously, enough with these things. And why is it that itâs always some Asian chick in the middle of the mall trying to glue these things onto your head as you walk by. Iâm a dude and they even try to get me to buy them. Theyâre always like, âExcuse me, can I ask you a question?â I always reply with the simplistic answer, âI have airborne HIV.â Sure, itâs not overly funny, but once I walk out of Pretzel Time and back by their wooden cart, theyâre certainly not asking to talk to me again.
Product # 3 â How many times have you wished and prayed that there was something out there that would protect just the top half of your out-of-date clothes? I know most of my prayers to baby Jesus and Santa Christ start with this request. Well clearly my prayers have been answered because finally someone has thought up the brilliant invention of âcheap plastic over cheap clothes.â I bet nothing is flammable about any of this. Look at the shit-bag clothes hangingâŠin the sky? I donât even think it zippers. Stupid. Even the moths, who LOVE eating your clothes, arenât desperate enough to try to get through your âFort Knoxâ protective clothing system youâve got going on over there. Honestly, if the homeless were offered any of that crap youâve got hanging there, theyâd probably say, âNo thanks, itâs not that cold out. Iâm cool.â Now I may not be one of those scientists that the Research and Development team at Harriet Carter have, but Iâm pretty sure you can achieve the same protection by tossing an old moldy shower curtain over your clothes. There, I just saved you $4.99. Put that money towards newer ponytails.