Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Do you ever wonder if Harriet sleeps hanging upside down with a Snuggie on? I do. This week Harriet hijacks your navigation system, reminds us what animals are really for, and lets us know what will happen if you goose a dragon. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Now here’s the perfect gift for those jackasses who are suing the navigation companies because they drove into a lake after they claim their navigation systems instructed them to do so! This whole entire waste of money is actually just one big gag. Can you imagine? Instead of GPS it’s called GPStress. Get it? I barely do. All you need to do is simply mount it (giggity) onto your friends dashboard before you’re both taking a cheap trip and get ready for the laughs to start and hijnks to ensue. Suddenly a woman with a British accent starts spewing out one-liners such as: “In 50 feet turn off the ball game and put on my favorite Barry Manilow CD,” and my personal disturbing favorite, “I’m sorry we didn’t sleep together last night, but can you stop driving like a lunatic?” Brilliant. What does that even mean? You know the writers were all sitting around the table and we like, “Ok, now let’s throw in a sex joke.” They, of course, took the first joke that someone suggested. Even the streets on the gag-GPStress map are are a real hoot. They’re called things like, “Desperation Way,” and “Backseat Drive.” Get it? I hope they allow you to prerecord some messages as well. I’d like to record some of the following: “We’re in a recession and you just spent $19.99 on this crap so you can pull over such a lame gag that you’re only going to get that ‘breathing out of the nose’ laugh” or “Let’s get a divorce,” or “Who’s had more abortions this year: The prostitute on the corner or me? The answer is, of course, me,” or “Little Billy isn’t really yours.” The ideas are endless. Please, America, stop wasting your money. Harriet, you are the deficit.
Product # 2 – Finally a product that middle America can get behind and Harriet doesn’t apologize for. If you love slaughtering anmials and letting people know you do, well do I have the sign for you. It states: There’s a Place for All God’s Creatures….Right Next to the Potatoes and Gravy!” There’s an exclamation mark after the word “gravy” because they’re really excited about the killing of God’s animals. First off, whoever is actually going to buy a sign like this certainly isn’t eating duck for dinner. Trust me. Second, who puts gravy on deer? Everyone knows you have ketchup with deer. Duh! Third of all, why does that turkey have stadium seating attached to it? By the way, if that’s really what a turkey looks like I’m skipping Thanksgiving dinner this year. Look, I’m an asshole, clearly, and even I wouldn’t mock God via a metal sign. Why not just make a sign that says, “There’s a Place for all God’s Unadopted Kids……in a Sweatshop Sewing Nike Tags onto T-Shirts!!!” I added some extra exclamation marks because I really like Nike. Who hunts, anyway? Why not just get a penis enlargement and save a few of God’s creatures? Or go home and hit your wife. Whatever makes you feel like more of a man. Oh, by the way, don’t go home and hit your wife. IBBB does not condone violence…unless dinner is late….or burnt….or just not to your liking.
Product # 3 – Finally a t-shirt I can get behind! Psych. I have no idea what this is t-shirt is even supposed to mean. It says, “Goose a Dragon and you are Toast.” Ok. Sure. And? Why? What does this even mean? Wait, dragons aren’t real, right? They’re like unicorns, no? And if they do exist do they technically have an ass to goose? Don’t they just have a tail? And do they mean “toast” like bread? Like they’ve turned you into the part of breakfast the people take one bite out and then push to the side? I have many questions, many questions. So should the shirt technically say, “Pull a Mythical Dragons Tail and You are a Breakfast Side Dish.” I like it. It has a real ring to it…and I’m pretty sure that rhymes…or is a limerick…or a haiku….and a poem. It’s a rhyming limerick haiku-like poem. Put me down for 5 of these t-shirts. Thanks, Harriet, for nothing.