Harriet Carter Wednesday’s are making Wednesday’s better one Wednesday at a time. Huh? This week Harriet is trying to sell crap to our kids, then punish them, scare your neighbors, thank Jesus and take out the white-trash. Let’s face it, that really sums up this weeks products. Let’s go….
Product # 1 – Are you almost running out of ways to tell your snotty little kids that their not worth taking out of the house? Let your kids know at very young age that they are not worth real things in life, just cheaper and smaller knockoffs. Every kids loves to play that ridiculous claw game where you can win either candy or stuffed animals (I know this because I polled each child in America…and the world). Well now you can have them waste their time in your very own home with this smaller replica of the famed claw machine that, apparently, can only hold gum and mini-tootsie rolls. Your kids will be dazzled for minutes when playing this game and when they finally do “claw” some candy after 6 hours of trying to get this to work just think of the joy on their faces when they actually do get to enjoy that stick of gum. Here’s a fun tip: Replace the candy with those little packets of poison that come with your sneakers and tell them it’s flavored packets of sugar! It’s a win-win. Trust me.
Product # 2 – Have you ever wished that your teddy bear had a timer attached to it? Well if so, you’re like the millions and millions of other people who have wished the same thing. This is actually called the “Time Out Bear.” Yup, you guessed it. When it’s time to punish your child this is the punishment timer that lets them know when “time out” is over. And what a brilliant way to continue to ruin their childhood then turning their very own teddy bear against them. Awww that’s sweet. But, don’t worry kids you will get the last laugh…one day…you get to eventually decide whether or not “pull the plug” on your elderly mom and dad years later. Bring the teddy bear to the hospital on that day….just as a friendly reminder.
Product # 3 – Uh-oh. Scary. This door mat that reads “Enter at Your Own Risk! The Rizzo’s.” What goes on at The Rizzo’s? Drugs? Beatings? Modern day slavery? Selling kids on the black market? Pedophilia? Orgies? Filming porn? Abortion clinic? Unless any of those that I mentioned are happening at your house, this door mat is a little dramatic. And why the hell does that skeleton need an eye patch? It’s doesn’t even have eyes. If anything, it would need an eye patch on both eyes. And why is it smiling? It’s supposed to be a scary skeleton I assume, not friendly. This is just stupid. I bet the family that buys this is the same family who will still hide their key underneath it. If this applies to you, please email me your address. Thanks, in advance, for your cooperation.
Product # 4 – Um, did Jesus just win a People’s Choice Award? That’s what it looks like to me. I understand that Jesus is everywhere, but what movie or TV show was he in recently? I didn’t even get to vote. Oh, I bet he was in that God damn (sorry) Ugly Betty. The one show I don’t watch. Regardless, congratulations Jesus! Don’t forget to thank yourself as you accept this award.
Product # 5 – Ok, so here’s the deal. If you are using shopping bags as your garbage bags, please don’t try to “class it up” with a special waste basket. This is as white-trash as it gets and, trust me, this is what I use in my bathroom. But I don’t try to get all high-falutin and buy a special waste basket to try to trick people. It’s white trash. It’s the easy way out. If you can’t afford “store bought” trash bags you can’t afford this waste basket. You know what Harriet? You’re a waste basket. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. It was just the anger talking. I’ll punish myself. Where the hell is that teddy bear?