Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It’s been hotter than a nun after 3 vodka-tonics here in NYC and I, of course, blame the Swine Flu for this. Why they’re not calling it the “Pig Ouchies” is beyond me. Our one chance to name a new virus and we blow it. Eh, such is life. Anypig, this week Harriet Carter lets you know when you’re just about ready to take the ultimate dirt nap, reminds you how to get into your house, and keeps your face out of your ass, literally. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Hey there “on the fence about life” shopper! Are you in the middle of trying to decide if you should take a dirt nap or continue on with your life? Well if you’re “on the fence” let Harriet Carter give you a little test to help you decide. Are you just about to purchase these cat sneakers? Yes? Dirt nap. Think these cat sneakers are ridiculous? Yes? Live life. It’s just that easy. I love how they make note in the description that these sneakers are imported? Ohh la la! I bet they’re fresh off the catwalk of Milan! Oh, and “pun intended” but after I wrote it. Why must these be imported? Are there not qualified people here in the US that can crank out the 4 pairs of cat sneakers that the public demands? Whatever happened to the company that was making the Bugs Bunny and Tazmanian Devil t-shirts that had the characters on the front and back of the shirt? They working still? No? Give ’em some knock-off Keds and some puffy paint and get them to work! How ’bout those people who created the Hypercolor T-shirts? They working? No? Give ’em some Sharpies and see if they can create cat magic. Also, I’m enjoying how they are promoting this as “Sneaker.” Just one? Are they marketing to possible one-legged pirates? I guess there must be a market out there that’s looking for just one sneaker. Finally, they also need you to be specific on the size you want. Sorry, ladies, if you’re smaller than a 7 or bigger than a 9.5 …or somehow a size 10… they don’t have your size. No cat sneaker for you!
Product # 2 – Are you having a tough time remembering where the lock on your door has been for the past 25 years? Do you sometimes get home late at night and try to put your key up your ass to see if the door will open? Do you ever wish there was a light directly above the keyhole so you could know exactly where it was? Are you not even a little impacted my the global recession and like to spend money on useless crap? Well if you answered “yes” or “I’ll take the physical challenge” to this question, Harriet is totally going to make your day! Apparently this must be a “must have” item because the description lets us know that you no longer have to waste “minutes” fumbling to find the hole. Like a virgin on his wedding night, Harriet will ease you directly into the hole. Oh! Stop me if you heard this! Try the veal! Anycrap, who’s spending “minutes” outside their door trying to unlock it. If you can’t figure out where the keyhole is in the dark you aren’t old enough to be on that side of the door by yourself. In fact, you shouldn’t even be allowed to leave your house. Oh, and I’m not sure what “Hi impact styrene” is, but they sure are bragging about it. And is it “hi” or “high?” Eh, I’m not one to judge spelling mistakes as this here site looks like it’s written by a 3-year old on medication for narcolepsy. But I Zzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz. Get it? I fell asleep….because I said I had narcolepsy? Oh screw you.
Product # 3 – Open Casting: Looking for creepiest couple in America to model a “Face and Butt” towel in which the female must look like she’s getting drilled from behind. Male must have Squiggy’s haircut from “Laverne and Shirley” and be a registered Level 3 sex offender. Once on set, talent must smile like they’re in the midst of a Meth rampage, yet hair must look completely dry even though they are just getting out of the shower. Couple must also portray the act of toweling off together with one towel because, you know, that’s believable. Due to lack of budget, couple must also make it believable that they have just exited the shower even though we are stationing you directly in front of a blank wall. If you meet this criteria please send headshots to HarrietCarterCrap@BlahBlahBlah.org/govedu.TV