Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday and belated Ash Wednesday. Since I worship both Santa Christ and Harriet Carter I thought this was important to note. This week, Harriet sexifies her hair, lets her fake bird take a hit from her bong, and lets us know that she just created skidmarks in her granny-panties. All wonderful. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Ok, we can’t blame Harriet, herself, for the Bumpits, but can I just say that I can’t get enough of this commercial? I don’t want to oversell this, but Bumpits are the best thing that have ever been created and they use the best models that have ever been born to sell this crap. Of course they’re not using Failure Model Chick, but it’s only a matter of time before she gets her pencil eyebrows and wacky-rack into the mix. Anyway, with the Bumpit you place this plastic contraption on top of your hair and then you brush your bleached blond hair over it. Hit it with about 2 cans of AquaNet you’ve got yourself a quick and easy hairdo. It’s perfect if you’re trying to capture the essence of Peg Bundy or if you’re just a middle-aged single woman who tans 6 days a week, bleaches her hair, smokes Newport’s, has a French manicure, and wears stretch pants. Oh, or if you’re one of the Real Housewives of Orange County, this is the product for you…and you probably already have it (Tamra). The best part about the Bumpit is the girls in the commercial. They try to act all sexy, especially that one chick who they pretend is on a red carpet…but they just have her in front of this cardboard cutout walking by as a fake camera flashes. You know the chick I’m talking about. Brilliant! I’m a dude and even I want to try the Bumpit. I wonder if they’ll create one for your boobs? Maybe the Bumptits? It can push ’em up and towards your chin. Trademark that.
Product # 2 – Fake chirp, fake chirp, fake chirp! Is that the fake bird that someone ripped of the shoulder of my Halloween scarecrow that’s fake flying by my fake window? Oh it is? Oh, well then someone give my fake bird a hit off my magical bird bong! My fake bird has really been stressed out lately, you know, with all the trauma of having its nose hot-glue-gunned to this bong. Seriously, this bird doesn’t even look close to real. I mean, it could try, but it would fail. And what’s up with its wings? They look like the vagina of a dead kangaroo. I’m not even sure if a kangaroo has a vagina, but I’ll assume everything does. And who the hell wants all disease-infested birds flying near their house? That shit is bad luck. You might as well stand under a ladder in your house with an umbrella opened up all whilst breaking a mirror….and upping your 401K (financial joke for good measure). I’d fill my “bird feeder” with Coca Cola and sprinkle Pop Rocks on the ground and wait for the dumb birds head to explode off its gross shoulders. Thanks, Harriet, for bringing the bird flu to our own backyards. Skank Chirp!
Product # 3 – Uh oh! Back Off!! I’m Gonna Fart! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
ahahahahahahahahahaha. A t-shirt that let’s someone know that you’re about to fart? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Imagine the person who’s reading that t-shirt? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha
They’re gonna know that you’re gonna…hahahahahahahahahahahahaha….FART!
Oh my God! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
We’re in a recession, people. Kill yourself if you’re wasting your money on this.