Harriet Carter Wednesday: Bruise Cream, Because Hitting = Love

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  Looks like we’re two weeks going strong!  Who knew?  I mean, I knew but that’s only because I’m the one writing this junk.  Was that not clear?  This week Harriet Carter is helping you recover from a little issue.  A little issue called, “Abuse.”  Let’s go!

Playing another round of “Ike and Tina” and just about the time when AnnaMae is about to “eat the cake” you take a nice uppercut right to the eye?  Yeah, we’ve been there.  And so has Harriet Carter.  Introducing ‘Arnica Bruise Cream!”  Arnica, because people stop believing you bumped into the doorknob after the second time.  Arnica, look for it in your local grocer’s freezer. I have no idea.

If you need to recover from the beating of your life, simply rub the “ABC” (as the woman’s shelter calls it) all over the impacted area (aka full body) and magically the “abuse kisses” quickly start to vanish!  You’ll be ready to have dinner late again before you know it!  If fact, your husband will be thinking, “Honey, I thought I slapped at you with the garden hose last night but it must have been a dream.  So, the hose it is tonight!  I’ll give you a five second head start.”  You’ll both be squealing with delight over his apparent “mistake.”  Even your two small kids who are shaking and hiding around the corner witnessing all this will yell out a good old fashioned “Daddy!” with a silly little grin on their traumatized faces.

Apparently the magic ingredient in this formula is “horse chestnut extract.”  Is that code for horse nuts?  More importantly do horses have nuts?  I’m not an animal lover so I’m not sure.  I am, however, an animal fighter but that’s a different story for a different time.  Now if you really want to be proactive I recommend rubbing in the cream prior to taking the “tickle punches” because this way his fists of fury are likely to slip right off your body like a slip-n-slide and, this way, you’re already 5 minutes ahead of schedule on your road to recovery!  Don’t just cover up your bruises with makeup like a caveman, get rid of them altogether with Arnia Bruise Cream.  Arnica, because the root of the problem isn’t important.

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