Why happy Harriet Carter Wednesday boys and girls! Pull up your nap mats and pull down your shirts because this week Harriet is helping diddlers stick to their story, gives the gift of “pen” to graduates, and replaces your stomach with your rack (somehow). Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Hey there kids! Is your local city diddler trying to remind you just what story you should be sticking to when the police come and ring your parents door? I know, it’s tough to remember to not mention “petting the puppy” or “coming over to the car to have some candy.” You have enough going on with smoking cigarettes and taking the morning after pill, so as a friendly reminder all the diddlers in the neighborhood are posting these catchy signs on their property. These, of course, say “What Happens at the Cabin, Stays at the Cabin” and “What Happens in the Garage, Stays in the Garage.” Simple, right? I like how Harriet is helping out the city diddlers and the country diddlers. It’s like a new version of the Country Mouse and the City Mouse. I always hate signs like these. I never fully understand what in the holy crap they’re talking about. Who has a cabin? Who does stuff in a garage? Are we supposed to believe that garages are so fun that no one should ever talk about what happens in the them? I’m pretty sure Carbon Monoxide happens in garages and that’s not so fun. In fact, you actually should tell someone if Carbon Monoxide is taking place in a garage. That’s danger. I have no idea where I was going with this. Buy it?
Product # 2 – Happy Graduation, Suzie! You know how all throughout school all you talked about was your love for owl’s who wear glasses? Well do I have a surprise for you! We’re in a bit of a recession so I couldn’t score you the owl, so I took a nasty crap onto a pen and created you this crafty graduation gift! I know, you’re welcome! Oh, and I also couldn’t afford an owl nose so I cleaned out my nose after that nasty cold and just stuck it to the crap. You’d be surprised how bendy feces is. I know I was! I also don’t know a lot about owls, but I’m pretty sure that don’t have arms or wings so I simply used a staple gun to secure that “diploma” to i’s poop chest. I love arts and crafts projects! Lastly, I fed this shit-owl some Ecstasy. That’s why it’s eyes are like that. Careful not to hold that pen too tonight or the owl may begin to dry-hump you and try to force you to eat a lollipop. So anyway, happy graduation!
Product # 3 – Ladies, ladies, ladies! Ladies. Oh, and ladies. Do you have a gut that hangs over your belt? Of course you do. You’re from America! Do you wish that somehow there was a life altering contraption that could lift your stomach all the way up and smush it into your bra so that you could fake everyone out that you had a big rack attack? Well, through the genius of Harriet Carter now all your dreams can come true! I’m not quite sure how this works, but the lady in the “after” picture no longer has a gut and has increased her bust in the matter of seconds. What a real treat it’s going to be for the guy who takes this prize home from the bar and begins to undress her. It’s going to be like an anvel falling on his head. I predict cartoon birds flying around his head while stars shoot out of his eyes. Thanks, Harriet, for making this world a better place….one stomach/rack at a time!