Well Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to you and yours or to you and your hand, whatever your current situation is. It amazes me that that I’ve been recapping Harriet Carter products for a little over 3-years. Oh, and by “amazes me” I really mean “makes me want to reach out for someone to kick the chair out from underneath my feet so I can just dangle in peace.” Now that we’ve cleared that up, this week Harriet is allowing you to drink out of the toilet, eat sh*t, and the sell sexless dresses to women who are cockeyed and can’t really see what they’re buying anyway. What recession?! Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Are you the office jackass who always has to have some type of “prop” at your dusty/H1N1-ridden cubical just so people have a reason to come over and talk to you and pretend they actually give 2 craps about you and your life? You know you’re answering “yes” to that so let me continue. Well get ready to be the “hit” of the Monday morning staff meeting when you drink your coffee out of a…wait for it….wait for it….are you ready….toilet mug! I know what you’re thinking, “Toilet mug? But I can hardly grasp that concept.” I’ll break it down for you. There is a coffee mug that looks like toilet and when you fill it up with coffee it looks like you’re sipping on explosive diaherra. Yum. Add some kernels of corn for added laughs. Your miserable co-workers will be saying, “Phil? Are you drinking feces?” And you, of course, will answer “Uh-huh!” What a real joy you’re going to bring to the office. I mean who doesn’t want to drink something that looks like what that douche in the accounting department left IN the toilet and never flushed it so you’re the lucky one who walks into the bathroom stall and sees what was left especially for you with the toilet paper still lining the seat. And you totally know it was Douchey McCrunch-Numbers from accounting because you walked into the bathroom when he was exiting the stall (and you don’t hear anything else flushing) and then he proceeds to walk right by the sink and out the door to his cubical. Oh yeah, he’ll be the first person to dig is sh*tty-fingers into your bag of popcorn that’s on your desk. Yeah, so anyway, your toilet-mug-o-crap looks like that. Was that not clear? Anycrap, feel free to get innovative and fill it will lemonade for a piss-of-a-laugh or cherry Koolaid so the women don’t feel left out when it’s “ladies days.”
Product # 2 – “Honey? I just finished setting the dining room table for our Christmas dinner, can you take out the box of shit-sticks so they can thaw? Yes, thaw. I don’t want our dinner guests having a hard time eating their holiday shit-sticks. What? Oh we only have one box of shit-sticks? Well can you grease the pan because I’m gonna have to make another batch of shit-sticks. Do you think people are going to want to sink their teeth into our shit-sticks that have a creamy milk in the middle or when they bite into the shit-sticks do you think they’re going to want a jelly-like substance dribble onto their chin? You’re right, definitely the creamy milk. What was I thinking?! Can you actually pass me a few of those shit-sticks because I want to warm them up so we can cut the shit-sticks in half and our guests can dip the shit-sticks into their hot coffee. Yeah, people like that a lot I think. Actually, hand me a few more because Cousin Marcy can’t make dinner so I want to to put some of these shit-sticks into a brown paper bag and leave it on her front doorstep as a nice holiday surprise. Mmmm shit-sticks. Nothing like it during the holidays!”
Product # 3 – Hey there you sexy cockeyed twins! Are you sexy? Are you young? Are you cockeyed? Any chance you’re a twin? Any chance you happen to be a young, sexy, cockeyed twin? Well if so, does Harriet have the sexless dress for you! These “bright and breezy” sundresses will be all the rage for Spring 2010. If by “bright and breezy” they mean “musty and shapeless” than this is exactly what you need to really become fashion-forward. However, if you’re not a fashionista, let me help you decode the dress description. By “carefree sundress” they really mean “the 8 year olds in the Chinese sweatshop don’t know how to sew” and by “plenty of room” they are, of course, letting you know that it’s big enough to cover your fat ass and saddlebags. “2 Slash Pockets” is referring to the holes that that moths creates on each side of the “dress.” To be honest I’m not sure what “flounced hem” means, but I’ll either assume it means that they F’d it up or they’re trying to use fancy words that they know cockeyed twins wouldn’t know. So, ladies, if you’re ready to just pack it in, give up, and start hoarding cats then this is the dress that will help you accomplish all of those goals. Fashion Tip: Grow your leg hair out and wear this dress all winter long!
Well that concludes another week of crap from Harriet Carter. I really feel like I’m helping people.