What! What! Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Only 3 more shopping days until Valentine’s Day, but I think I have some great gift selections for you! This week, Harriet compliments our nuts, gets sexy with our naughty bits, and helps us to impress our Valentine’s Day date. Check your class at the door. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Looking for new and innovative ways to compliment your man, but are running out of ideas? Have you ever, even for one moment, thought about saying some kind words directly to his testicles? Well now’s your chance thanks to these classy boxer shorts! While the back of these shorts say “nice cheeks” you know the front says something about “nuts” or even “balls” perhaps. One may not know until these fancy-pants arrive to your door step. However, make no doubt about it the description is my favorite part. It actually says, “Love Those Cheeky Boxers” and then the next immediate line out of nowhere is, “How does he fit those nuts in there?” Award winning! But let’s not forget about the ladies out there. For example perhaps Harriet can add a thong to her “collection” that says something really witty and catchy like, uh, oh I don’t know, “My Beaver May Be Covered, But You Can Still See My Ass.” Wait, does it need to rhyme? Drat. Or maybe a bra that says something like, “Boobs or Box. You Get to Choose Only One.” Yeah, I like that one. Oh, P.S I’m also a disgusting pervert who has the mind of a 12-year old. Thanks Harriet for remembering my nuts during the upcoming holiday season!
Product # 2 – So. Yeah. Hmmm. How’s about. Whoa. Er. Yow. Uh. Umm. Ouch. Donkey punch? Yikes. Ok, I have no idea how this sextraption works. First off, I love how they are immediately letting you know in the photo that this is NON-RETURNABLE. Do not think for one second that you’re going to shove this cone up your ding-a-ling and then try to bring it back to the store. Oh no sir-e-Bob! I am still confused on what you’re doing with this and why it’s for both sexes. And why is it hands-free? I don’t know about you, but there isn’t really a place anywhere on my body where a cone can fit. Oh, and it has 16-built in programs. What do they mean programs? I mean, are they talking Frogger and Tetris and stuff? Do women push this up their coo-coo-ca-choo and try to beat Pac Man or something? Is it like the Nintendo Game Genie? It also says it cleans easily? Like, we talkin’ dishwasher safe or “toss it in the shower and dump bleach on it” safe? Wait, this almost looks like those cones that dogs wear about their heads when they get hurt. Witches hat? Sit and Spin? I’m still not sure. All I know is that I’m having visions of Harriet walking up the aisle in a supermarket when all of a sudden this falls out from her dress.
Product # 3 – Ooo la la! Are you ready to get romantic during your Valentine’s Day dinner with that special someone? Put on some slow jazz (perhaps something from season 3 of The Cosy Show opening credits), cut a hole in your box of wine, and add your AA batteries to your plastic wine glass so that it glows. Yes, glows. Your date will be thinking, “Wow, that wine glass lights up in neon colors. I bet he spent tens of dollars on this. He must really love me.” Or perhaps you’re wife will be thinking, “I may be coming down from a 3-day meth binge but that wine glass is glowing, bitch!” And you know what, she’d be right. That wine glass is glowing, bitch. And don’t think that the scientists over at the Harriet Carter Research and Development Academy forgot about you rapists out there. The glowing neon light really detracts from the fizzle in the wine glass after you pop in a rufee or two. You’ll be dragging her out of the kitchen by her hair and into the bedroom where it’s time to make her a Valentine’s Day woman! Crazy, sexy, cool.
Happy white-trash Valentine’s Day to one an all! Ole!