Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I sometimes wonder if Harriet dreams of me as I dream of her. I assume so. I also assume that the real Harriet Carter has been dead for over 314 years. She probably died of Diphtheria on the Nina or the Santa Maria. Anyway, this week Harriet’s rack lights up my room, Elvis chokes a bitch to to death, you can learn how to choke your own potato, and find a new way to get your kids ready for stardom. Let’s go!



Product # 3 – Do you love Elvis? Do you love sleeping standing up? Do you want Elvis to strangle you to death? Well if you’ve answered yes to 2 of these questions and “no” to 1 of these questions then you are in luck. Oh, and by “luck” I really mean “out of $19.99.” Clearly Elvis has strangled this bitch to death. I’m not too sure why you need one of these pillows around your neck while you’re standing, but then again I never really understood why so many people loved Elvis. Wasn’t he a pedophile? Regardless, let’s start that rumor. Moving on, that pillow doesn’t even look nice. It looks all faded and crap like it’s been in the backseat of a 1985 blue Oldsmobile Cutless Sierra since, literally 1985. It’s to the left of the faded tissue box and to the right of the 15 stuffed animals that Grandma won at Bingo. I bet it itches too and you know that the stitching around the seam is totally going to come undone and then all cheap cotton is going to be all over the place. And you know it’s not just cheap cotton, but the kind that was probably recalled because the country that it came from had a double mix of Typhoid and Malaria break out. Anyway, to sum up that pillow looks gross and that bitch is better off dead anyway. If that was my wife and she wasted our money on that she’d be dead anyway. I’m just kidding I wouldn’t kill her. I’d hire someone to do it. I do have manners after all.

Well that concludes another useless segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday. See you in hell!
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