Product # 2 – Hey Sloth! Let me ask ya, how many rocks must you chew on a daily basis for your teeth to look like that? No really, 10 buckets per day? That’s f’n disgusting. That shit doesn’t just “happen” overnight. No no, you may chip a tooth here or there, but you get it fixed. You don’t wait for all of your teeth to “break” before getting them looked at. And who the hell still has their baby teeth as an adult? Now I’m not a certified dentist, but you know what I heard can prevent this from happening to your teeth? Brushing them. I know! Too bad Harriet didn’t zoom out on the face of this nasty ass person because I’m pretty sure if they did zoom out it would be Corky from “Life Goes On.” When I have kids I’m going to show them this picture and tell them that’s what happens to your teeth if you touch yourself in your “naughty places.” What? If people believe half the crap that’s in the Bible, surely they’ll believe my parable. I’ll even tell them that it’s a historic picture of Mary Magdalen. And you know that whore was touching her biblical box for years. Where was I? Oh yeah. If you do have this tooth problem and you haven’t already tossed your sorry ass off of an 18 story building you can totally get them fixed and for cheap! I’m pretty sure these are standard Mr. Potato Head teeth, which is great because if you buy the whole Mr Potato Head bucket you’ll also get some cool yellow eyeglasses and sporty blue sneakers. This will totally be life changing. You’ll probably finally be able to get a new job because they don’t need people with “good teeth” at the movie theater any more. Hell no you’re moving on up. You’re heading straight for the DMV! Anyway, good luck with the smile Rocky Dennis.
Product # 3 – So, um does anyone know the name of the game those two kids are playing, because I don’t. I’m too hypnotized by that kid’s hairdo in the top of the picture. No joke, why are his parents combing his hair like those pale Polygamist Sect mothers that have been on TV lately? Seriously, if that hair goes any higher I’m going to be forced to call DSS and ask him if he’s been sleeping in the “new wives bed” at the Polygamy compound in Texas. Gross. And how many foreheads does that kid have? Geesh. Save some foreheads for everyone else, selfish. Oh, and Ben Franklin would like it if you would kindly take off his bifocals and return them to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington. Jesus, I’d check to see if he needs stronger glasses for cripes sakes. The friggin game card is like 4 centimeters from his eyes, which are squinting by the way. He looks like one of those British judges that have to wear those big puffy white wigs and wears white face makeup. Really Harriet? There were no other kids in line at the audition? This was the one you chose? I’m sure it was all a mistake anyway. His parents probably saw a line formed outside and told him to stand in it and then hopped in the 1979 wood-panel station wagon and sped off. But no, you HAD to actually book the job, so now they’re stuck with you. I’m sure the $100 Harriet paid you for the gig is going to your mother’s crack habit anyway. Oh well, good luck to ya. You’ve officially been more successful than me. Oh, P.S. I’m pretty sure the other kid in the picture is picking his nose. No, no. No need to yell “cut” and make sure you get a good picture on the set of this photo shoot. No, just do it all in one take and hope for the best.
Product # 4 – Honestly. Why even bother buying it? There’s not a chance in hell you have any friends who are coming over and will see it. And who the hell has “toy cheese” laying around the house? Why does everything always have to be funny? You know what, how about just having a door mat that is just a, oh I don’t know, a door mat? And really, you’d place wine on the ground outside of the door? Really? On the ground? Classy. I mean, not that the message itself isn’t classy. “You Open the Wine. I’ll Cut the Cheese.” Yeah. Funny. How about something like, “You Open the Wine. I Will Spray Explosive Diarrhea All Over Your God Damn White Kitchen Cabinets.” Now that has a ring to it! Or, feel free to cater towards the women buyers as well. Maybe something like, “You Open the Wine. I Just Had My Period on Your Dining Room Chair. Will This ‘Tide to Go’ Stick Help With That?” Yeah, maybe that ones a little too long. Never mind I’ll keep going. “You Open the Wine. I’ll Pay For the Abortion.” And then instead of cheese on the ground you can put a Cabbage Patch doll on the ground covered with ketchup. I’m gross. Ok, how about sending a message to your loved one. “You Open the Wine. Baby Tiffany Isn’t Yours.” Aww, that’s sweet. How about something that rhymes? “You Open the Wine. I’ve Been F*cking Your Husband Every Monday/Wednesday/Friday Since We Were Juniors in College.” That rhymes right? And finally, for the classy lady who’s inviting her date over for the first time. “You Open the Wine. I Swallow.” I mean, really, the options are endless. Thanks Harriet for calling me out on your carpet, literally.
Well folks that concludes another classy Harriet Carter Wednesday segment. See you next week…or in hell….whichever comes first.