Product # 1 – Trying to get a snapshot of your ugly family, but are afraid to ask someone to take your picture in fear that they’ll steal that $19.99 camera you bought for your trip to the beach in, apparently, the winter? What a beautiful setting for a family photo. Now is that technically swamplands behind them? And why the hell is the dad in short sleeves, the mom about 10 buttons undone, and the kid in a full white wool sweater and matching hat? I’m calling DSS. Oh, and real nice job protecting your daughter’s (??) eyes from the sun. The poor kid is practically blind in one eye and you both have your ’80’s shades on. Good parenting. Why not just light matches in her eyes? So, the picture is finally taken and it doesn’t match up with how they’re posing at all. In fact, I don’t even think that’s the same kid. Looks like they’re trying to pull the old “Olsen Switcheroo” on us. The kids face looks more in pain in the “after” than the “before.” Hopefully he/she is taking the cutest little dump on mommy’s arm.
Product # 2 – Oh please it’s hardly emergency when you can’t open the pickle jar. What an inconvenience this lady is. From the looks of her I’m sure she pushed all her family and friends away from her which is why she’s alone. Now she’s forced to bother the poor people who answer the “phone” at Life Alert. Hopefully this bitch is getting a busy signal when she presses the button. Ugh. She doesn’t even look hurt. She looks like she’s ready to complain that her morning paper was delivered at 9:02 instead of 9:00 like it has been for the past 214 yrs. Here are some “issues” I’m sure she’s bothering these people with:
- I’ve been sitting with shit in my pants since Monday. Can you send someone?
- I’m sorry, what? What? Come again?
- No, you called me. No, you just called me. Pretty bird, pretty bird.
- ..and then I said to Christopher, “No, I’m driving the Nina, you go in either the Pinta or the Santa Maria.”
- I smell burnt toast and just fell off my chair. Is this problematic?
- What’s that noise is?
- If you won’t bring back The Honeymooners let me talk to your supervisor.
- No, you called me.
- How short is too short for a ladies haircut?
- What time are my stories on?
- Would you like a hard candy?
- My boobs are caught in my belt, can you send someone?
- No, you called me.
Product # 3 – Oh this bitch again? Didn’t we just see her baking brownies with that same smug look on her face a few weeks ago? How old is too old to give your kid up for adoption? Because the first time I see my kid make that little bitch face I’m packing up all her shit immediately which probably will only consist of that lollipop, a barbie doll, and birth control pills (I want to make sure she never reproduces). I’ll also be sending Grandma for a little “dirt nap.” Grandma is totally to blame for this little bitch probably taking the morning after pill like it’s tic-tacs. Sidenote, I’m craving those orange tic-tacs now. Anyway, back to this skank. Do all little bitches suck lollipops? Well I guess we should just be glad she’s only sucking on a lollipop. It starts with this and next thing you know she’s signing up for “Amature Night Monday’s” and doing $2 dollar sucky sucky on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s for a little pocket money to support her weekend meth addiction. Just a guess. Anyway, if this bitch was my kid she’d be punished until she was at least 18, assuming the adoption agency gave her back since she’ll be such a terror there no one will want her. I can’t wait to have kids!