Product # 1 – Are you looking for your own personal cameltoe maker? I knew you were. Well, while it looks like a cameltoe party in the front it is a complete mess in the back. Now you can wrap yourself up like a Christmas present, but do me a favor…do everyone a favor, don’t ask your husband unwrap that present because if/when he does it’s going to look like Santa left him two lumps of coal in your pants. This could possibly the most dramatic before and after photo ever. Before, this lady has a piping hot fresh dump in her pants. After she puts on the “miracle body suit” her ass is smaller, her arms are technically shorter, her hair is a little lighter, and I think, I think, her pants are on backwards or her lower body is on backwards. Way to be sexy Harriet. Ho-ho-ho.
Product # 2 – At first glance I pondered why this “lady” had a blue bra covering her eyes…with the boobs still in the bra. Then I pondered why this “lady” was smiling whilst taking a slumber. Then I realized, hey wait a minute this ain’t no “lady!” This is “failure model chick!” What a treat/surprise. Scratch that. What a surprise/treat. Poor “failure model chick.” Can it get any worse for her? This time she is modeling a “bra sleeper” that covers the majority of her face. Poor thing. Why can’t I model this crap? They can cover my face, I’m fine with it! Anyway, have sexy rest “failure model chick.” Wait a minute, if your bra is on your face…what’s covering your…Oh “failure model chick” you feisty little minx, you!
Product # 3 – You’re probably thinking, “what kind of sexual innuendo could there be about this beloved blanket?” Well that’s what I thought. Then I read the name of the product. It’s called, “Kissing Kitty.” Oh yeah? Really? Kissing Kitty? I’m almost positive that’s also the name of a porno. Just because you toss some angel wings on it, doesn’t make this little skank sweet. Even check out the facial expression of that beast of a women holding up this blanket? Even she’s thinking something is a bit fishy about the name of this blanket. Kissing Kitty? Harriet Carter? Try, Harriet Dice Clay. Oh!
Product # 4 – Gone Ridin? Oh I bet you have Harriet. Men, women, dogs, horses, cats, cardboard cutouts of the Pope. Harriet doesn’t discriminate. She rides until the horse passes out (if you know what I mean and I think you do cuz I’m 10). Gone are the days of having to place a wire hanger on the door of your bedroom when you’re having “company” over for the night (I saw that once on Family Ties, so I just assumed). Now you can just simply place this pillow right in front of your door. Gone Ridin! Yeee-Haw! This also makes a delightful gift for a prostitute in almost any neighborhood. I know this is a little off topic, but who the hell loves horse THAT much that you need a pillow to show your love of horses. I’m getting a pillow that says “Busy Eating Chicken Parm Subs.” I like Chicken Parm Subs, I like to sleep on pillows. Clearly, I need a pillow that shows that I like Chicken Parm subs. No? Anyway, happy riding Harriet. That horse will make you a woman before you know it!
In closing, I wanted to say hello to the Harriet Carter readers over at SweetConfusion. I’m not really sure what SweetConfusion is, but I know it’s some type of message board and they created a little Harriet Carter section. I like anyone who will help me sell out, so thanks SweetConfusion, thank you!