Product # 2 – Hey there you cock-sucking whores! Having a good day? Now don’t forget what your skank-bag grandmother used to always tell you as a little girl: “Spitters are Quitters!” And she should know. She had to swallow during The Great Depression when times were really tough and there wasn’t enough to go around. Well now you no longer need to disappoint your grandmother and spit when you’re in the heat of the moment. Simply spray some of this stuff brilliantly called “Spray and Swallow” on your “protein shake” (if you know what I mean, and I think ya do cuz I’m 12) and you’ll never have to spit into the cup that you skillfully placed beside the bed on the nightstand again. Oh, and don’t think I didn’t notice you placed it there. I knew what it was for and I was not pleased at all. Not one bit. But enough about me. This bottle, that I’m sure doesn’t contain any kind of chemical that is known to cause cancer in the state of California, also lets us know that that it has over 600 sprays in it (which probably means it has 601). My trusty calculator and my quick math skills tells me that with 600 sprays you can now officially give 2.3 “oral dinky kisses” per day! What a real treat for you and since you typically give 3.3 oral dinky kisses per day you can now save some time and be much more efficient! I’m sure that must mean it’s good for the economy and the environment. So remember, ladies, if you aren’t swallowing you aren’t “Going Green!” Recycle!
Product # 3 – Funerals are expensive! You know what’s not expensive? Why half-assed plastic crosses, that’s what! Poor grandpa is taking an eternal dirt nap and probably spending the better part of his “new day” playing patty-cake with Satan for all the diddling he used to do back in the day. Well why waste over $6,000 to bury him in one of those fancy cherry-wood caskets when it’s going to get all dirty underground anyway? Exactly. You wouldn’t. So I’m sure you’re all scratching your heads trying to figure out what to do instead? It’s easy. Simply drag grandpa’s rotting corpse (covered in peanut butter) into the woods and let “Mother Nature” take care of the rest. What. Coyote’s deserve to be fed too you know! Once grandpa has officially become “a chew toy for the wilderness” simply place this beautiful plastic cross into some fake grass and call it a day. The game is on anyway, so who has time to fiddle with it, really. It doesn’t matter that grandpa’s name isn’t “Loretta Friedrich” but that’s the name that is on this cross that Harriet Carter is selling so that’s the name you’ll have to just settle on. Perhaps start calling grandpa “Loretta Friedrich” while he’s still alive just so when you do finally buy the cross it makes total sense to the rest of the family. You’ll thank me later! Hey, the cross may say “forever in our hearts” but you’ll be thinking “and not in our bank account!” If your kids start asking all sorts of annoying questions like “when’s grandpa’s funeral?” just tell them that it’s on Christmas morning and see which they would rather go to. Open your gifts under the tree or go to a boring old funeral? 9 out of 10 kids surveyed chose “open your gifts” so it’s a safe bet. For the 1 kid that says “go to grandpa’s funeral” simply tell him that it was all a joke and that grandpa isn’t really dead. He’s just in the bathroom. Then, quickly leave the room and pretend the conversation never took place! Thanks, Harriet, for finally providing us with “funeral alternatives.”