

Product # 3 – Funerals are expensive! You know what’s not expensive? Why half-assed plastic crosses, that’s what! Poor grandpa is taking an eternal dirt nap and probably spending the better part of his “new day” playing patty-cake with Satan for all the diddling he used to do back in the day. Well why waste over $6,000 to bury him in one of those fancy cherry-wood caskets when it’s going to get all dirty underground anyway? Exactly. You wouldn’t. So I’m sure you’re all scratching your heads trying to figure out what to do instead? It’s easy. Simply drag grandpa’s rotting corpse (covered in peanut butter) into the woods and let “Mother Nature” take care of the rest. What. Coyote’s deserve to be fed too you know! Once grandpa has officially become “a chew toy for the wilderness” simply place this beautiful plastic cross into some fake grass and call it a day. The game is on anyway, so who has time to fiddle with it, really. It doesn’t matter that grandpa’s name isn’t “Loretta Friedrich” but that’s the name that is on this cross that Harriet Carter is selling so that’s the name you’ll have to just settle on. Perhaps start calling grandpa “Loretta Friedrich” while he’s still alive just so when you do finally buy the cross it makes total sense to the rest of the family. You’ll thank me later! Hey, the cross may say “forever in our hearts” but you’ll be thinking “and not in our bank account!” If your kids start asking all sorts of annoying questions like “when’s grandpa’s funeral?” just tell them that it’s on Christmas morning and see which they would rather go to. Open your gifts under the tree or go to a boring old funeral? 9 out of 10 kids surveyed chose “open your gifts” so it’s a safe bet. For the 1 kid that says “go to grandpa’s funeral” simply tell him that it was all a joke and that grandpa isn’t really dead. He’s just in the bathroom. Then, quickly leave the room and pretend the conversation never took place! Thanks, Harriet, for finally providing us with “funeral alternatives.”