Harriet Carter Product of the Week: The Bidet to Go!


Finally there’s a new way to clean your Bippity Boppity Boo! Time and time again you take the meanest Shasta McNasty your body can produce and you’re forced, by law, to clean yourself up with toilet paper, you know, like a cave person. Well what if I were to tell you that you could now use a 15 inch long contraption to basically power wash your stink hole? I’m sure you’d jump at the thought because you are, of course, disgusting.

All you need to do is simply crack open your bathroom door, all whilst still sitting on the toilet, and start screaming, “Honey? Can you get my special anus claw? Can you get it? Fill it up before you bring it. Fill it with water and fill it with two tablespoons of glitter.” If you guessed this was Ke$ha screaming these demands from the toilet you would be correct.

Once you’ve captured the contraption, quickly scoot up towards the front of the toilet with your a** slightly raised and slightly ajar. You know what? Actually just get into standard twerking position and, well, have at it. Don’t be worried if the plastic stick dips into the toilet water and then starts to run down your back, leg, and floor. That just means it’s working! Now standard best practices say that you only need about 1 pump per dump, but if you’re a trash monster you should probably just keep squeezing the claw contraption until you’re completely filled with water. Then simply wink and begin to experience your very own Niagra Falls right there in your very own bathroom. You’ll be in and out in under 45 minutes. Please note this contraption can also be used to water flowers, impregnate cows, and keep you cool as you lay by your pool during the dog days of summer.

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