Last week we had Diddle Fingers and this week, thanks to the fashonista who failed at becoming a Maxxinista at Harriet Carter, we are happy to introduce you to Slut Fingers: Holiday Edition. Ho ho ho. Literally. Christmas is just under 8-months away so now is the perfect time to start figuring out just how skanky you can make the happiest time of year. Clearly Rod Roddy is rolling over in his oversized bedazzled grave because one of Barker’s Beauties escaped the 70’s porn-inspired set and landed a photo shoot at he Harriet Carter headquarters. I’m sure you’re thinking this was pre-dirt nap Anna Nicole modeling and after researching it for around 11 seconds I realized I was wrong too. Although this chick is totally looking at us saying, “You wantmy booooody? You wantsome moooooney? You want a viiiiiper?” As a wise woman once said, “TrimSpa baby.” Also, this chick is totally pantsless and I’m sure she has a mistletoe hanging just north of the cameltoe.
Since she’ll most likely be thumbing a ride with truckers on I-95 and providing countless hours of road-head in absentia (graduation day bonus word!) of actual legal US currency, it’s only fitting that her nails look like candy-canes and are just as long as most of the people who apply to appear on Hoarders. Cut nothing. I’m actually not sure whose hands those are, but my money is on the fluffer. And you can totally tell she’s a great actress because her eyes are saying, “I got my nails done. Here are my hands. Both of them. Look at them. Buy this product.” The oddly tiny Santa hat barely staying on the side of her head really conveys the message of, “I live in a rusty dumpster all year round and have a tea party with the mice. This is Eeeek’s hat.” Oh, and there must be extra money around the “studio” during this “shoot” for a hair and makeup person because someone has taken the time to perfect the “Gretchen Rossi I’m Too Old to Have Hair This Blond With Giant Curls” look. Nailed it. Again, probably literally.
Clearly the target market for these nail is the OC as well as those part of the deep south wear tumbleweed blows by on the regular. You know which parts I’m talking about. It’s the same parts where middle-aged women living in trailers have webcams and “get sexy” for pervs on the other end, assuming this is what the “American Dream” is all about. And you know what? It is. It really is. So the next time you’re hanging decorative candy canes on your Christmas tree for your loving little children I want you to stop and think for a second, “Am I slutty enough?” If you even doubt you are then I want you to press on these nails, put on your boots, and head out to I-95 for a little holiday “mommy fun.” Merry Christmas everyone…except to those who don’t believe in Jesus….then I wish you fun spending eternity in hell with Tony Danza. Most likely. I don’t know.
Wanna be a slut with me? Well then join me on my Facebook page, but of course! And be sure to “Like” this post so it spreads around “The Facebook” like wildfire and then I can rally sell out once and for all. Ole!