Harriet Carter Product of the Week: Diddle Fingers

Finally!  A clothing line for your small town pedophile.  This is totally an untapped market and one that, clearly, we should be focusing on.  Gone are the days of the ice cream man in that rusty truck trying to snatch (giggity) up your kids.  Ice cream blow pops are so 1986 and, let’s face it, more of a clown van type of thing.  Today the “designers” at the House of Carter are catering towards that one guy in the neighborhood who stares just slightly too long.  You know the one.  Now, with the beauty of “Diddle Fingers” you no longer have to wonder, “Hmmm, is he going to diddle?”  The answer now, of course, is always, “Yes!”

Say goodbye to the khaki trench coat and hello to this set of underpants…for your hands.  If you listen quietly you can hear the angels and the guy from “I Know My First Name is Steven” praising sweet baby Jesus (not “de la Cruz”).  The Diddle Fingers even come equipped with your standard pee-pee hole, as it should.  As.  It. Should.  Perhaps that’s where you can hide your enticing candy or a tiny little scroll of the most popular baby names of 2005 in hopes that you’ll make a lucky guess.  Run for it, Emma!  If you really want to kick it up a notch (and be authentic after all) be sure to pound in a line of coffee grounds on the palm of your hands so that it really gives your Diddle Fingers that skid-marked look you’re going for. A couple of drops of extra virgin (wink wink) olive oil on the front will really make the “pee stains” pop!  If Martha Stewart was promoting these on the Today Show, she’d most likely suggest first gluing a half pack of Certs (with a hot glue gun) to your hand before you put on your Diddle Fingers.  I mean, you don’t want to give the goods away for free, but sexing up your hands a bit certainly won’t hurt the cause.

At the end of the day, it’s a real dog-eat-dog world out there.  The economy is still in the crapper and this even impacts your regular Level III sex offender.  An offender has got to eat so it’s time to really step up your game.  Having some kids petting your puppy in your truck or telling you your parents have been in a terrible car accident and you need to get into their wood-paneled station wagon so they can take you to the hospital is purely a strategy from yesteryear.  Diddle Fingers is the future.  Who wants to live in the past?