Harriet Carter: Polly Pissy Pants

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to one and all! This week Harriet pisses in our pants, gets our kids addicted to cigarettes at a young age, let’s the world know there aren’t any terrorists in here, and sits her lazy ass on a stylish Burberry chair knockoff. What a busy week she’s had! Let’s go!Product # 1 – Have you been searching and searching for underpants with the urine stains already in them? Me too! Look, crisp clean white underpants are “nice” but I’m no caveman and I’m a guy on the go, which means I don’t have the time to piss directly in my underoos. If only there were underpants that pissed in themselves and around themselves. What? There is you say? Of course there is. Now they don’t have to call you Polly Pissy Pants for nothing! These pisseroos not only lift and tighten your disgusting flabby ass, but now they also swirl piss bubbles all around them. The NASA patent-pending secret formula is the swirling motion that defies gravity and orbits your ass like a secret spy spaceship that I’m sure the Chinese are currently using on us. First built in piss and someday….already baked in skid-marks? Our children’s children won’t know how good they have it. You’ll have to tell them, “Bobby, did you know that when mommy and daddy were little boys and girls they have to make their own skid-marked underpants? I know, I know, they didn’t come already equipped like you have today.” Thanks NASA patent-pending technology and thank you Harriet Carter!
Product # 2 – Hey there young and impressionable children! Do you like candy? Do you like Pez? Do you like toys AND cancer sticks? Well if you answered “yes” to even one of these questions boy do we have the product for you. Don’t carry your cigarettes around in their original package! That’s so white trash. Instead, just fill this handy dandy donkey with all your cigarettes and show your kids how fun cigarettes can be when they come out of the donkey’s ass. Asses, they’re not just for shit anymore kids! Oh, and don’t even worry that your kids will start to think smoking is fun or anything because I’m pretty sure that kids never think that toys are cool. In fact, I don’t think that kids even like toys. They like books and tests. And they won’t associate this donkey with the donkey from that low budget movie that bombed at the box office each time they came out with a new one. What was that movie called again? Oh yeah. Shrek. Kids hate Shrek and they hated that donkey in it. They, most definitely, won’t want to play with this donkey cigarette machine. Your subliminal messaging won’t work on these kids, donkey manufacturers! Just stink to showing them shiny objects. That’ll get em! First donkey cigarette machines and next thing you know the Pillsbury Dough Boy will be your kids new favorite coke dealer! Thanks, Harriet, for selling to minors.
Product # 3 – Hey there, terrorists in hiding, and welcome to the good old US of A! Ole! Now you can remove your dark and dank window shades and replace them with these American flag window decals. You may be constructing bombs in your basement and preparing to declare a mix between jihad and a nuclear holocaust, but when INS comes knocking at your door they’ll get the impression that whoever lives there must love America and they clearly made a mistake. When the doorbell rings you don’t even have to answer the door. Simply shout from behind the door, “There’s no one here, but us American loving residents!” Then feel free to chant USA! USA! USA! USA! INS will be skipping down the walkway and back into their white van to make their next stop, which I assume will be the international terminal at the airport. You’ll be back to mixing bleach, diet coke, salt, and gasoline to make your next big “invention.” Oh you wild and crazy terrorists! Ha ha ha! There’s nothing you won’t think of! God bless America, Harriet, and God bless you too….for harboring terrorists. I’m telling!
Product # 4 – Hey there, Rachel. Fancy seeing you here again. My favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt (aka “Failure Model Chick”) has been busy juggling her career between modeling for Harriet, hosting her own online cooking show at 2MinuteChef, and being the voice of Fax.com (thanks for the tip, anonymous IBBB reader). Rachel is a bit tired, as she deserves to be since she really is a triple threat in this industry. So it only makes sense that after Rachel is done walking, which I assume is in the sky according to the picture, that she takes a seat. But, this is Failure Model Chick we’re talking about after all. She isn’t just going to take any seat. She’s going to sit on a knockoff Burberry carriage/chair. Pheeeew! Take a load of FMC! Walking in the sky can be tiring and so can shopping in the sky. Once I shopped in the sky and when I got back to planet earth I slept for like 10 hours. If only I could have taken quick breaks on a Burberry chair maybe I wouldn’t have slept the day away. When I first saw this picture all they showed was “some woman” pulling this chair thing, but I knew it wasn’t just “some woman.” I clicked on the picture and PRESTO CHANGO it was Failure Model Chick in all her glory. I could kinda tell from her sticking her chest out. I knew I knew that chest from somewhere. Anyway, thanks Harriet for keeping Rachel employed and me entertained. Whore.

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