Did you know it’s Harriet Carter Wednesday? Well, it is. So Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. It is officially month 8 of my “I’m trying to get into the Harriet Carter crapalog” and I still have no success to report. Maybe it’s because I call it a “crapalog?” Regardless. I will keep trying. Let’s take a look into the kick-arse products that Harriet is selling this week.
Product # 1 – Are you running out of ways to humiliate your elderly Nana? I know I am. There’s only so much you can do with trip-wire at the top of the stairs and butter on the railing. Luckily, Harriet presents to you the “tray for your walker.” Now make sure you load up Nana’s walker with juice filled to the very top and a nice plate of burning hot food. As soon as Nana takes her very first step…SURPRISE!!! Spilled crap everywhere! Nana will be simply laughing for minutes before she realizes that she needs immediate medical attention from the 3rd degree burns. Seriously? How would this possibly work? I mean, most walkers have tennis balls on the legs of the walker so you know Nana is in high-danger with this contraption. Oh, and as a side note, in the picture it looks like lots of stereotypical “old people” food like peas, carrots, and a dry piece of chicken. However, the best part is that there’s a glass of orange juice next to it. Really? Orange juice? That’s a gross mix especially when the orange juice tips over into the peas and carrots. Thanks Harriet for keeping the elderly thin.
Product # 2 – Are you looking for a real classy gift for that special someone? Well how about this very sophisticated money tree. Yes, money tree. Here’s the concept. Let me walk you through it. You take “money” and put it on the “tree.” You still with me? Now here’s where it gets tricky. What makes this already classy gift even classier is that you then take the money and transform the “boring rectangular shape” into a “bow-tie” shape. See how classy? Right. No joke, if anyone ever got me that I would throw it out, with the “bow-tie” money in it. I mean how much is there? $20.00? Wow, thanks. You might as well save your money on this “tree” and take it and place it into a brown paper bag…with crap…and then set it on fire. What, is that just me? Fine, I’ll take the money, but you can keep the metal tree part.
Product # 3 – At first glance you’re probably thinking, “so what’s the big deal with a glass doll case?” Yeah, that was my thought at first too. Take a second look. What in the name of all holy hell is wrong with that doll? Why the hell are her eyes missing? Why is her face literally painted with whiteout? She looks like “The Cutter” from Nip/Tuck (bonus points if anyone remembers who that is). That doll doesn’t need a glass case. She needs to be locked up behind bars. Oh, she also needs an exorcism. Why are her arms so long? Wow, every time I look at it, it frightens me in a new way. However, I do think this provides a good message to all little girls. It really says, “all little ugly albino girls belong in a cage-like contraption.”
Product # 4 – Why? No really, why? Why would you ever need a lamp that mists? Wait, maybe this is marketed towards witches and wizards. Do they exist? I bet that mist stinks. You know how sometimes when you’re in a haunted house (come on, you know you’ve been) and there’s a lot of dry-ice it totally smells. Now the description says that is gives off a pleasant scent, but because it’s said this it makes me think they’re just trying to cover up how bad it really smells. What the hell does the rest of the house look like if you have misting lamps set up? I know Harriet has these in her basement where she locks up little kids and then diddles. What? I ran out of stuff to say. Good day.