Harriet Carter: Nothing But Love

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I must make a confession, I fear the day when there are no more products available in the Harriet Carter catalog for me to write about. Let’s hope that day never shows up in our lifetime. Today’s Harriet Carter segment has a little something for everyone…kids and adults, clearly. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Who wants to make disgusting pizza! I do! I do! Harriet Carter provides the absolute freshest ingredients such as pizza sauce (ketchup and water), pizza crust mix (sawdust), and my personal favorite..cheese – which (if you look very closely) either looks like it’s all moldy or it’s just shredded green paper. Mmmmmmmm it smells so good! Now, look at that little bitch of a terror who’s making that pizza. Yeah, I don’t trust her for a second. She actually looks like she’d be a friggin animal in the kitchen. In between stabbing her brother with scissors, slapping her mother in the face, and performing a high-pitched scream she can toss that pizza mess in the oven. Toss her in after the pizza. She is clearly declaring “jihad” on the kitchen in her first photo. Seriously, if my kid ever made me a pizza with those shitty ingredients I’d drive them to New York, open the car door, give them a bit of a push, toss $20.00 at them and then drive back home. Adios kid! Maybe you can become a pizza chef in the “big city?” P.S Watch out for the rats. Love Always, Dad.
Product # 2 – Do you ever get tired while driving to work and wish you could just close your eyes and take a quick catnap, but your window isn’t comfortable? I know! That happens to me all the time! Luckily, Harriet has us all covered with this window pillow. Don’t even worry about pulling over. All you need to do is suction-cup this pillow-hanger to the window and PRESTO you’ll be asleep in seconds. The good news is that it looks very comfortable. I mean, that lady’s body isn’t twisted at all…at all. Is her head even on the pillow? And, is her left eye kinda peeking at me? Maybe she’s keeping one eye on the road. That’s smart. If there’s any justice in this world she’ll hit a pothole and her head AND the pillow with go right through the window. Wait, was that crossing the line? Oh well, what’s done is done. What’s the one major thing that’s wrong with this photo? If you guessed her hair…you would be wrong. If you guessed, “she doesn’t have any of the Harriet Carter seat belt options” you would be correct! Come on Harriet, you dumb-bitch, you could have also upsold us some of your seat belt crap. Better luck next time. You just lost a sale. But you gained a friend. I heart you.
Product # 3 – Ouch! Does your “neck” hurt? Is your “neck” throbbing? Are you all stressed out and haven’t had any “neck” exercises performed in a while? Well, worry no more that your husband isn’t around, ladies, because you won’t need him to massage your “neck” anymore because now you can take care of your “neck” issues all by yourself. Uh, is this a joke? Do women typically use their vibrators on their neck because I’ve never seen that before. It’s kinda like a guy using the Internet to not search for porn. It just doesn’t happen. Has this chick noticed what she’s holding in her hand? Maybe that’s why she has that half smile on her face? Maybe if she used it “elsewhere” besides her neck she would have a full smile? Just a thought. I even added the little message that was with the photo. It is totally trying to trick you. It actually says,
“A convenient way to reduce stress and relieve tension! Compact design, available in 3 sizes, is ideal for easing neck and back pain…for relaxing tired, aching muscles! Quiet and powerful!”
It ACTUALLY says that. First, does a neck massager need to come in 3 sizes? I also like how they threw in there, “for relaxing tired, aching muscles.” Is your neck really aching? Ok, let’s put it this way…if you use this thing your “neck” has a chance of getting pregnant. Why Harriet, you little sex-monger!
Product # 4 – Hi there pretty! Have you ever wanted to capture the exact moment that your daughter turned into a butch lesbian? Well, now you can with this kick-ass picture puzzle. Seriously, what’s up with the “Harriet Carter kids?” This puzzle would have sold more if they used a stick figure instead of this little shit. And I thought it was Harriet Carter Wednesday not Ash Wednesday? Why does this little girl have ashes on her forehead? Cut her mullet, take a weed-whacker to her eyebrows, and toss her in the tanning booth for 7 minutes. Then take her picture. This picture makes me not want kids. If someone ever gave me this puzzle with this girl on it I would never put it together…EVER. Well, maybe I would put the blue background together and the yellow sweater, but that’s it. As soon as I got to her hair or nose I would take the entire puzzle apart and toss it in the trash. Bet you never thought 6th grade would be this bad, did ya?
Well, that ends another Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday segment. Until next time, folks, who wants to make a pizza?!
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