Product # 3 – Why hello there, sexy! B5. Again, B5. What? Do we have a BINGO in the hall? A BINGO in the hall? Seriously that facial hair remover is one of those BINGO dobbers. I know it says it’s a facial hair remover, but I’m pretty sure this “lady” has rubbed it all over her junk because even though her penis has been removed her face is still screaming “man.” I guess it’s a really cost effective sex change operation, but still. Also, this “chick” seems like she’s all hopped on something. I’m assuming by the eyes she’s on Ecstasy. Mmm. Sexy. Imagine meeting “her” at the club and taking her home. Yum. Instead of her saying “Let me slip into something more comfortable” she’s really like, “Let me tuck my nuts between my legs and get rid of my mustache.” Yeah, nice try you tricky little whore. I’ve fallen for your little game one time too many…which technically is 6 times. Next time I’m just going to ask. I’ll be like, “Hi my name is IBBB, do you have a set of nuts or have you ever had a set of nuts?” I think it’s false advertising if they don’t disclose that right up front. I mean, anyone can throw a few towels down their shirt and have instant presto breastos! Anynuts, this “chick” should also take that hair remover and take a few swipes over her eyebrows. She looks too surprised.
Product # 4 – Hey there “couple.” Yup, this is pretty much as good as it’s going to get for you. You made the right choice just settling with each other. I mean, it’s a dog eat dog world out there and, let’s face it, neither of you are a real prize. Who needs a real fireplace to cozy up in front of? Your husband was right. This is like the same thing. Don’t just stop there though. You should be half assing everything in your life. Let me correct that. You already are half assing everything in your life. You buy all non-brand name items at the supermarket. You buy your Christmas wrapping paper for the following year on December 26th. Hell, you buy next years gifts on December 26th. You wear one of those “dickies” because who really as the time and/or money for the full shirt? Who needs real flowers when the silk flowers last all year round? Just spray them with a little Febreeze and you’re good to go. Although you won’t buy real Febreeze, so spray them with LeBreeze from Walgreens. Why get the Honda when the Kia is basically the same, but $10K cheaper? Real Christmas trees? That’s dumb. Just get the fake one and keep it up 3 weeks longer. Pollo sweaters are really almost the same as Polo sweaters. I mean, someone has to buy the Vivatron Techno Flat Panel TV, it might as well be you. This really is your life. You’re the “Almost as Good as” couple. You deserve each other.