Harriet Carter: New Year, New Crap

Seriously, I should just write about Harriet Carter products because it is the most popular of anything I write on this sad little blog. I get more emails about Harriet Carter than anything else, so thank you for that as I enjoy writing about these wonderful products. Also, thanks for all of the support with my ghetto video I created! I tried to respond back to as many of you as I could, so keep it coming!

Moving on to the topic in hand, it is a new year and Harriet Carter has some new products. Thanks Christ! Let’s go!
Photo # 1 – It’s a new year and you probably want to get in shape, right? Of course! But, does the gym seem like too much work? Have you ever hoped that you could get into tip-top physical shape by just using your doorknob and some string? Well, guess who’s in luck?? You! That’s right, now you can shed a ton of pounds by hooking up this, what I can only assume is a marionette contraption, to your bedroom door. I know! Once this string workout system is set up just lay on the ground and kick and punch and push and pull like nobodies business! Make sure you wear your spandex shorts too because when you pull the door right off its friggin’ hinges and it comes crashing down on you, you’re going to want to look your best for the paramedics. Once you outgrow this technologically advanced “fitness machine” you should totally try out the newer workout system from Harriet Carter that consists of an elastic, your car, two steak knives, a glass of wine, your coffee table, and (of course) your spandex. It’s basically like “do-it-yourself” gastric bypass surgery at home!
Photo # 2 – Hey Vanity Smurf, do you ever want to know what every single strand of hair is looking like as you’re blow drying your mullet? Well now Harriet Carter can help you out with that with this trusty set of 7 mirrors. I mean, really look like a complete horses ass when you’re combing through that rats nest. Who needs two mirrors when you can have 7, yes 7. Really. Uh, I have a question. How in the hell does the mirror on the far left and the far right get the back of your head? No, seriously. Is it a magic mirror? I bet you must just glue pictures of your head to that thing. Thanks, but no thanks, Harriet. I’ll be just fine with the 5 mirrors I already have.
Photo # 3 – Do you live in the ghetto? Are you white-trash? Do you ever wish that while you’re soaking in your mildew filled tub that you could be looking out at the ocean? Are you too cheap to move? Is your real view that of another trailer? If you answered “yes” to even 2 of these questions then do I have a real treat for you. Now you can put up these “fake” stick-on tiles right on your bathroom wall and pretend you are miles away on a secluded beach. I know, you’re saying right now, “Fake? But I don’t believe it! That scene looks so real!” True, but it isn’t real. Actually, don’t listen to me. It is real. Now try to jump through it, head first…jackass. P.S do those windows lock because if not that could be danger and you could totally be burglarized. Let’s hope the robbers aren’t as smart as you!
Photo # 4 – I’ve said it before, Harriet Carter blows horses. I still feel like that’s true, but now I’m thinking that she totally sweats seat belts too. Seriously, why in the hell does she think that seat belts are so tricky? If you remember correctly she also had that razor blade tool that would cut the seat belt right off of you. Now she has this “bungee cord pull strap” (???) to help you put your seat belt on. Really? I mean, how far away do you really think that seat belt is from you? How friggin’ big is your car? Seriously, the seat belt is about 3 inches away from that bungee cord pull strap. How much extra energy will it really take for you to put on your seat belt “the old fashioned way?” Oh, and by the way, what the hell is she smiling about? Do you normally smile when you put your seat belt on? You know what? I’m going to totally start doing that because seat belts really are a good time! Thanks Harriet!
Well, that concludes another episode of “When Harriet Carter Attacks!” See you next week!
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