Valentine’s Gift # 1 – Hey sexy ladies! Put on your sexiest nightgowns and get ready to shimmy down that escape ladder because, similar to your loins, there’s a fire! Sound the alarm, skanks, because when the fire department shows up you’re gonna wanna try and grab yourself a date. And firemen love middle-aged women in pink satin gowns climbing ring by ring down the ladder to safety. Although, that little bitch of girl is probably going to get her and her whore-bag mother killed because she’s just standing there. Hurry up, lazy, because those flames are going to start pinching you soon. And you know the mother is all pissed about it to. She thinks, “finally I’ll get to meet some men on the street and get some sympathy all while wearing this foxy little number.” I’m not sure if there is actually fire though. To me it just looks like there’s a red light on in the room. Come on, it’s called acting people. I bet if there were real flames spitting out the window that little bitch would be karate kicking her mom out of the way to get herself to safety. They don’t even look that high up. Jump! Drama. Thanks Harriet! Even this ladder won’t allow you to run from my love.
Valentine’s Gift # 2 – Goes a little something like this:
“Hi, yeah it’s me. I’m on my cell phone, my CELL phone! Oh, that echo you hear? Yeah I’m talking into an actual old fashioned receiver, but I have it plugged into my cell phone and I’m holding it up, so I’m basically talking into two phones. I know, I know! Yeah, I’m an idiot. What? Yeah you’re right I don’t know how I made it this far in life. I love to make simple things complicated and I love looking like an asshole with oversized dramatic contraptions. Yes, yes you have my permission to not resuscitate me if I were to be hooked up to a breathing machine. No you’re right, I’m not worth it. I see your point. Yes, I can’t seem to be happy with anything, especially that simple cell phone you got me for Valentine’s Day. Yeah, I’m not sure why I just didn’t use the regular phone. Well, I’m a woman of the new millennium and everyone else has a cell phone so I just figured. Yes, I did get strange looks on the subway. Yes, I do deserve to be mugged and beaten with this phone. Ok, well call me when you get this message.”
Thanks Harriet. Call me!
Valentine’s Gift # 3 – Trying to get out of having to “make sex” with your partner this Valentine’s Day? Well try no longer because just by simply strapping on this “Sexless Sleep Bonnet” you won’t have to come up with excuses any longer! The Sexless Sleep Bonnet comes in the delicate color of pink and will more than likely go up in flames on a hot summer night when a light breeze sweeps across the room. It also looks like it stinks and itches. This Sexless Sleep Bonnet can also work in your favor other ways as well. Want to look your best for that late night booty call and don’t want to show up at your “callers” house at 3am with bedhead? Well it looks like Failure Model Chick is going to look fresh as a daisy when she gets her call. She even goes to bed with a face full of makeup on. Sexy! Happy V-day Failure Model Chick! If Harriet won’t be my Valentine, you certainly are in a very distant second.
Valentine’s Gift # 4 – Square cut or pear shaped these fake rocks won’t lose their shape cuz fake oversized diamonds are a white trash girls best friend! Ready to have a fancy dinner at the trailer park? Looking to really spiff up the dinner table/folding card table that you’ll be eating on? Well now you can really class up your rough as sandpaper dinner napkins with beautiful diamond ring napkin holders. If you think the gold band is too “showy” you can always go with the silver band that really says, “Yes you’re eating hotdog and beans and drinking grape Koolaid, but hell you’re wiping your mouth like the King of England does!” I pray to my sweet Jesus that I am one day invited to a dinner that has these gems on the dinner table. I just hope that everything else on the table is oversized as well because that would be tacky if it wasn’t and I’m a man of high class, all the time. Thanks Harriet for making rings for napkins and really really fat people’s fingers.