Harriet Carter, My Angel

How lucky you all are that you get 2 Harriet Carter posts in one week! Well, it is Harriet Carter Wednesday after all. Let’s call this one the “Express Harriet Carter.”

Photo # 1 – Hey guys! Is your wife a loud-mouth bitch? I know! Does she just yap and yap during every game? Does she need you to explain the rules of football…again!? Well nothing quiet says, “Honey, for the love of God shut the fuck up” like wearing some headphones while watching TV with her. Seriously this is why the dude in the picture has that shit-eating grin on his face. The wife totally knows that if she asks any questions while the headphones are on then she’s going to “accidentally” walk into the door again. Good luck explaining that shiner in work tomorrow lady! Thanks Harriet Carter for helping to less the amount of cases of domestic violence.

Photo # 2 – Ouch do I have a headache! You know what I think will make my head feel a whole lot better? How about a metal message mask that, not only, makes me look crazy but actually hurts when I put it on. Now I know this is going to sound crazy, but do you also know what gets rid of headaches? Aspirin. I know! Who would have thought. You could either take two aspirin and get rid of that headache in 15 minutes or you could put on that metal contraption for 30 minutes and potentially somehow get electrocuted. Thanks Harriet, you robot-loving skank.

Photo # 3 – Do you wish it was 1986 again? Are you looking to only burn 4 calories? Well you’re in luck with this exercise powerhouse equipment from Harriet Carter. First, put on 1986 socks on and push them down to your ankles (or kankles). Next, put on your blindingly white Keds. Finally, jump onto this machine and step, step, step, step, step, step. Feel the burn? Well you should start to feel the burn after about 3 hours. In 3 hours you would have burned about 7 calories. Keep up the good work! You’ll be down to a size 20 by the time you’re ready for retirement. Feel free to cancel that gym membership too. I mean, why on earth would you need all of those machines at the gym when you have this mini-stepper? Harriet, people are fat because of you.

Photo # 4 – Harriet clearly continues to blow horses and wants everyone to know that she loves everything about horses. Seriously, she makes me so mad. I don’t get it!?! What is it about horses that she sweats so much. If you’ve ready my Harriet Carter posts before you’ll know that Harriet loves horses. Now we are lucky enough to let everyone know this Christmas season by hanging an “I Love Horses” ornament our tree! Isn’t it kind of pointless? Isn’t it like hanging an ornament on the tree that says, “Blue is My Favorite Color?” Pointless crap. Happy Horsidays Harriet!

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