Harriet Carter is Getting Purdy

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Harriet’s changing the way you experience your hump-day one white-trash product at a time. Where were you when you first discovered Harriet Carter? Let’s go…

Product # 1 – Now where did this little gem come from? Not the product…the girl. I guarantee this is Harriet’s grand-daughter. I don’t know how she snuck by me all these months. In case you can’t tell, the product is a “lip gloss crown.” Pretty. I believe each of those colors are perfect for the everyday streetwalker and $2.00 whore (yes there is a difference). What a great way to really slut up your little girl by letting her skank up her lips with such wonderful colors. Purple means “I go to first base.” Green means, “I go to second base.” Yellow means, “I missed my period.” Dark pink means, “The baby is not yours, but the STD is.” And what in the hell is wrong with this girls face? Is she putting on lipstick or acid? Seriously it looks like it’s burning her lips. Can she put any of that lip stuff on the rest of her face? You know, to hide the ugly and all. Yeah that’s right. I just attacked a little girl and I’ll do it again. Oh, and I mean made fun of her…not like anything perverted. Anyway, thanks Harriet for making all little girls into strippers, porn stars, and street walking whores.

Product # 2 – Harriet loves her some pillows with catchy sayings. I think the sayings don’t always make sense. I mean, sometimes they rhyme, but I’m lost in the meaning. This pillow says, “Cousins are Many. Friends are Few. I’m Glad I Found Both in You.” Huh? I don’t even think that’s statistically correct. I have more friends than cousins. Don’t most people? I mean, if you’re buying this pillow then you definitely fall into the “friends are few” category for sure, but for the rest of us it doesn’t add up…literally. It should say something more like, “You Are My Cousin. I Have No Friends. The Material This Pillow is Made Out of is Probably Flammable and Combustible and Has Been Known to Cause Cancer in the State of California.” Ok fine, so it doesn’t rhyme at all, but I feel it’s more important to be honest then to rhyme. That is a motto we should all follow. Ok where was I? Oh yeah, don’t ever buy anyone a pillow with a saying on it unless it can somehow smother them….then do it.

Product # 3 – Woo-hoo! Yeah! You looking to really sex up your bedroom? Yeah you know you are you dirty little pig. Yes folks that is faux-silk AND fringe. I know! You’re wondering how on earth one could afford both faux-silk and fringe, let alone cover your entire bed frame in it. Well you don’t have to be the king and/or queen of England to afford such luxuries any more thanks to Harriet Carter. Is this for real? It looks like something something that Mrs. Roper use to wear to the Reagle Beagle on a Friday night when she was meeting up with Jack, Janet, and Chrissy. Yeah, I just went there with you. I’m an 80’s name-dropper. Anyway, I’d love to see whose bedroom is decorated in this mess. I bet you have cats. Lots of cats. And a dog. And some peanut butter. And…well you know the rest.