Harriet Carter: If Harriet Calls Hang Up

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! To me the Harriet Carter Crapalog is like a “Where’s Waldo” book. You always notice something new each time you look at it. I have no idea how I’ve missed some of these gems! Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Ring Ring! I’m sorry, I mean Fart Fart! Have you ever thought that the phone was just a little too boring? I guess it is. All my phone does is just “ring.” I wish my phone had sound effects. What is this you say? There is a phone out there that has sound effects? Brilliant! Harriet Carter is selling a phone (for $12.99) that has built in sound effects so that if you’re talking to someone and are looking for an excuse get off the phone all you need to do is press one of the following sound effects: Screaming, crying, siren, crash, bark, rat-a-tat, burp, or fart. This actually isn’t a joke. The phone really makes these noises.

Seriously? So in the middle of the conversation you’re supposed to press the “crash” button and say, “I’m sorry I have to hang up. A car just crashed in my kitchen.” Or better yet, press “burp” and then say, “I’m sorry I have to call you back, I just burped.” Really? And what the hell is “rat-a-tat?” What kind of excuse is that? “Hey Rose? Yeah, I’m gonna need to give you a call back. Yeah, I have an emergency. You didn’t just hear the ‘rat-a-tat’? Yeah there’s a rat-a-tat I need to deal with.” Rat-a-tat? I would replace that with a “jihad” button. That way you could easily say, “Yup, lemme call you back. Someone just declared jihad in my living room. Ok, ba-bye.” Thanks Harriet for reinventing the phone.

Product # 2 – Next time you’re in a major car crash just whip out your trusty Harriet Carter Car Crash Kit. It comes equipped with a flashlight, camera, pen, and little booklet that has a picture of an intersection (no joke). So when the cops are using the jaws of life to cut your car in half and they’re pulling you out of the car make sure you use your accident kit to fill out a proper report. Don’t leave it up to the cops and the witnesses to fill out the report, you do it. Don’t be so freakin’ lazy. Oh “boo-hoo” your leg is broken and you have a mix of blood and windshield glass all over your face. Suck it up and take a picture of your own accident, selfish! No wonder why there are so many hit-and-runs out there. If I got into an accident and saw someone pull that out I would just drive away. Thanks Harriet for making car accidents a real hoot again!

Product # 3 – Harriet sells more crap for your bathroom than Home Depot. How much time does she possibly think you can spend in the bathroom? Now you can make people laugh while you’re in the shower with this hysterical (insert sarcastic overtone here___) shower curtain! The “joke” it that the shower curtain has real “sexy cartoon bodies” with the head cut out. That’s where you put your head! Get it? Funny right? So when someone walks into your bathroom they’re gonna be tricked and think, “wow, who is that hot chick in a bikini?” Then, you stick your head through the hole and say “Surprise! It’s me!” You guys will be laughing for hours/nano-seconds and your friend will feel so foolish for being tricked by a shower curtain. Oh Harriet you are so tricky! P.S I hope you are put to sleep one day.
God Bless Harriet Carter. I hope you enjoyed this segment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It’s been a real thrill for me. Real thrill.
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