Product # 1 – Ring Ring! I’m sorry, I mean Fart Fart! Have you ever thought that the phone was just a little too boring? I guess it is. All my phone does is just “ring.” I wish my phone had sound effects. What is this you say? There is a phone out there that has sound effects? Brilliant! Harriet Carter is selling a phone (for $12.99) that has built in sound effects so that if you’re talking to someone and are looking for an excuse get off the phone all you need to do is press one of the following sound effects: Screaming, crying, siren, crash, bark, rat-a-tat, burp, or fart. This actually isn’t a joke. The phone really makes these noises.
Seriously? So in the middle of the conversation you’re supposed to press the “crash” button and say, “I’m sorry I have to hang up. A car just crashed in my kitchen.” Or better yet, press “burp” and then say, “I’m sorry I have to call you back, I just burped.” Really? And what the hell is “rat-a-tat?” What kind of excuse is that? “Hey Rose? Yeah, I’m gonna need to give you a call back. Yeah, I have an emergency. You didn’t just hear the ‘rat-a-tat’? Yeah there’s a rat-a-tat I need to deal with.” Rat-a-tat? I would replace that with a “jihad” button. That way you could easily say, “Yup, lemme call you back. Someone just declared jihad in my living room. Ok, ba-bye.” Thanks Harriet for reinventing the phone.
Product # 2 – Next time you’re in a major car crash just whip out your trusty Harriet Carter Car Crash Kit. It comes equipped with a flashlight, camera, pen, and little booklet that has a picture of an intersection (no joke). So when the cops are using the jaws of life to cut your car in half and they’re pulling you out of the car make sure you use your accident kit to fill out a proper report. Don’t leave it up to the cops and the witnesses to fill out the report, you do it. Don’t be so freakin’ lazy. Oh “boo-hoo” your leg is broken and you have a mix of blood and windshield glass all over your face. Suck it up and take a picture of your own accident, selfish! No wonder why there are so many hit-and-runs out there. If I got into an accident and saw someone pull that out I would just drive away. Thanks Harriet for making car accidents a real hoot again!