Product # 1 â Hey kids! Know what Santa just LOVES?? Thatâs rightâŠwhen you piss and shit right on his head! I know! Donât ever bother lifting the toilet seat because now you can spray your urine all over his faceâŠjust like you did at the mall that time. Santa knows then you are sleeping and knows when youâre awake. Oh, he also knows when youâve had one too many beers, ate a little too much Mexican, are having your period, or even binging and purging. Yes, my friends, Santa does know it all. Santa will love it when he risks his life by jumping down your chimney, almost gets food poisoning by your day old milk thatâs been sitting out all night, chokes on your carrots, drops off all your gifts and THEN sees the wonderful tribute youâve left him in the bathroom. Heâll feel really special that you equate Santa Claus with urine, crap, and other bodily fluids. Good luck getting gifts next year, stupid. Happy whoridays, Harriet!
Product # 3 â Time to class up your house for the holidays. Letâs face it, times are tough and wood is expensive. Well, now you cover your metal backyard table with this faux-wood finish and your friends will never be wiser. As soon as your company arrives theyâll be saying, âJill, is that a real wooden table I see there.â You will of course lie and say âSure is, Katie!â while you wink at your husband who is dripping with sweat and praying that no one cracks that code that this table is in fact not real wood. Imagine the embarrassment. I mean, God forbid. These two skanks playing cards are acting like theyâre the Queen of England, yet no one seems to be phased that there isnât a picture of anything hanging on the wall and theyâre sitting on metal folding chairs. Hmmm, no faux-wood finish for the chairs Harriet? Anyway, you know that the owner totally sprays that table with Lemon Pledge right before company arrives so she can fool them once and for all and never have to suffer the horrific embarrassment of not being able to afford real wood. Maybe if Jillâs husband wasnât such an unsuccessful dirt bag he could afford to provide Jill with the finer things in life, such as wood, and Jill wouldnât be forced to bang the UPS guy. Just sayinâŠ.think about it, Jillâs husband.
Product # 4 â The holidays mean one thing: Lots of photographs. Clearly Harriet is heavily marketing to the British audience as the last time Iâve actually seen an adult with teeth that bad was when watching Rocky Dennis in âMask.â Oh, that and 98.784% of the British population. British or not, if youâre like this dude and have never broken the addicting habit of chewing on rocks on a daily basis you no longer have to smile and wonder if people notice that you still have all of your baby teeth. Now you can snap in your Harriet Carter snaptastic teeth and smile, smile, smile away. Please though, donât talk, chew, eat, sing, whistle, laugh, yell, burp, cough, sneeze, stick out your tongue, drink, gargle, blink, wink, run, walk fast, jump, and/or breath in heavily whilst wearing these snaptastic teeth because they are sure to come off. Basically hereâs what you do: Some says, âOh letâs take a picture in front of the Christmas tree!â You, of course, volunteer to take the picture as you donât want to be in it with your hideous and child scaring smile. Sadly, your guests wonât take no for an answer so you run up to your bedroom and shatter the glass that these teeth are kept in and then quickly snap them in. Now, take that photo and please immediately return the teeth to their proper place. For future use, I recommend giving them one coat of âWhite Outâ before storing them away for the next holiday party. Thanks Harriet! Saying âcheeseâ has never been so awkward!