Harriet Carter: Happy Pooting!

Happy Craptastic Harriet Carter Wednesday! Fact: If Harriet sees the shadow of her double chin on the 3rd Wednesday of February we’ll have 6-more weeks of winter. Also, if by August 24th her boobs hit the ground, that means 6 more weeks of summer. Just thought you should know how it works. This week Harriet is hurting our kids, bringing the fun indoors, making us “poot,” and reminding us just how wonderful condiments truly are. Let’s see just exactly what this old salty skank is selling us this week. Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Yeah! Want your daughter looking like a cross between Amy Winehouse and Pamela Anderson, but feel like she may be just a little too young? Well, she isn’t. Think you’re son would stopped getting picked on in school if he looked a little more like Travis Barker? Well, you’re right! Now you can class down and skank up your kids with the trusty Harriet Carter Child Tattoo machine, yes machine. Don’t fret if your kids don’t have any friends to help them or if you, as their parent, is a little to hungover to help the tattoo process because they can just do it themselves, as this kid is. All you need to do is choose the print you want and then let the machine do the rest. Oh, and by “machine” I actually mean “drill” because I’m pretty sure that kid is using a drill on his hand. That’s special. They’ll be starting off with butterfly tattoos on their hands and then they’ll be working their way up to “f*ck the law” right across their forehead. And their school pictures will look great. After your daughter places her “tramp stamp” right across the crack of her ass she’ll want to pierce her unmentionables next so be prepared to hunt down the “Do it and Screw it Yourself Piercing Kit.” Ahhh to be young again. Thanks, Harriet, for taking the innocence away from these kids, one barbed wire tattoo at a time!

Product # 2 – Hey dads, are you having a hard time remembering what it was like to be carefree and able to go golfing with your buddies every weekend? Does simply the look from your wife and the screaming from your bratty children remind you on a daily basis that you are now serving a life sentence as you await your death? Well, with your luck you’ll live to 110 yrs old and so will your wife so now you can bring the fun game of golf inside your house and let your dirt bag wife and snot nose kids play too! Ah yes, the memories of you drinking beers on the golf course with your friends will be flashing by your eyes as you and your son try for a hole in one in your basement…on the stained carpet….with your wife. Kids don’t know the rules of golf? Come on now that doesn’t matter because each hole is only about 2 feet away from you and there are about 15 golf balls in front of you! What a treat! Oh the joy you’ll have when you look back at your wife (who has a newly chopped off haircut that makes her not look like a woman at all anymore) and then over to your son who is having such a great time playing basement golf that he is literally taking a mean and nasty dump right there by the bar (no really, look at him). You see, Family Basement Golf is just as fun as getting hammered with your friends on a Saturday afternoon and you can thank Harriet Carter for taking your manhood away from you. Four!

Product # 3 – Ding dong! Oops, I mean “Poot!” Is that the doorbell? Well it is now thanks to this tricky and very very very funny doorbell replacement! All you need to do is place this pre-printed sign over your existing doorbell and wait for your guests to arrive. Clearly your guests are dumb and they’ll need a sign that says, “Doorbell out of order. Please press the big brown button.” Oh boy and when they do be prepared for them to hear the word “Poot!” Poot! Imagine that dozens of laughs you’ll receive when your doorbell farts and groans….and apparently “poots!” Sometimes when I poot a lot it means that I actually have to go to the bathroom and do #2. Just thought I’d share. Anyway, check out the two dudes who are pulling this gag. Clearly this farting noise, I mean “pooting” noise is apparently the funniest thing they’ve ever heard in their entire useless lives. You know that one guy is thinking, “Hahahaha I can’t believe it just pooted!” And the other guy is actually on meth and thinks he’s on Space Mountain at Epcot Center so that’s a whole different story. Why do I feel like that all the “guests” at this party are going to be dudes because these two losers, in no way, know any females at all. Oh well, good luck pooting eachother you two!

Product # 4 – The birth of your daughter. Your honeymoon. The first time you and your wife kissed at your wedding. Your parents surprise 50th anniversary party. The crumbling of the Berlin Wall. Peace in the Middle East. What do ALL of these events have in common? They’d all be better with ketchup. Oh that is so true. Do you know how many times I’ve been out experiencing life and have thought, “Drat! If only I had some ketchup with me right now this would be so much better!” Luckily there is a sign that speaks to this truth that millions and millions of Americans (sorry Canada) are thinking on a daily basis. You should act now before these wooden ketchup signs are sold out for good! You’ll be put on a waiting list that stretches at least until the year 2016. My question is, if this is a sign that you’d actually hand in your house, how else are you decorating the place? I feel like the rest of the house is filled with pictures of cats, clocks with the numbers backwards, a ton of Betty Boop paraphernalia. One last thing. You know what else is better with ketchup? Harriet Carter. Ahhhhh Harriet and ketchup on a hot summer day. Magic.

Well that concludes another Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday.

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