Product # 1 – Hey there Rach! Fancy seeing you here 2 weeks in a row. I’ve always wondered how you’ve stayed so youthful and now I know the answer. You wear Frownies! Frownies I say? Yes, Frownies I say. Looks like the Hollywood secret to beauty is out of the bag with this one. All you need to do is simply place the individual Frownies on your face, stand, remove, and PRESTO! You’ll be as tight as nun. Wait what? Anyway, Failure Model Chick has been humiliated once again because this time Harriet is letting her know where all of her “problem areas” are. This will include in between her eyes, right next to her eyes, and on both sides of her mouth. Basically, she should be covering her entire face with these Frownie stickers. What you don’t know is that good old FMC also has two of these placed on each one of her rack-attacks. It keeps them firm when you can’t quite afford the surgical procedure. The good news is that FMC looks super psyched to be modeling these stickers and doesn’t look like she regrets dropping out of High School in the least. Looks like not studying for midterms really was worth it, huh Rach? Thanks, Harriet, for making us easy.
Product # 2 – Please. Trained professionals, trained schmofessionals! Who needs a certified doctor to give you a microdermabrasion when you can clearly do this on your own. All you need is your cream and what I can only assume is a sander that doubles as a “gentlemen greeter wand.” This lady looks like she’s having the time of her life while sanding years off her face. It doesn’t look like it hurts at all. Her face is saying, “Hehehe this tickles…and by ‘tickles’ I really mean burns. Someone, please call the burn center immediately.” I wouldn’t spring for this product if you’re low on cash though. You probably have these tools lying around your house and you don’t even know it. Go down to your basement and pull out your husbands floor sander and then head back upstairs and take the mayonnaise out of the refrigerator. Now, if you want “real professional” looking results here’s a helpful tip ladies. Simply fill up your bathtub with luke-warm water, get in, and then plug in the sander. You will take years off your face in seconds and you’re going to look hot when you meet Jesus in the next few minutes. Thanks, Harriet, for making us breezy.
Product # 3 – Sing along if you know the words. Here comes the bride…all dressed in cheap shit. Here comes the bride….and six more weeks of winter? I have no idea how the song goes. Have any friends in 2008 that are getting married? Are you looking for a classy way to show them how much you care? Well you’re in luck because now you can buy this elegant “Husband and Wife” tree ornament that I’m pretty sure was made by blind kids without fingers who are chained to their desks in Tajikistan. Look at all that fine detail! I’m certain that the bride was modeled after our very own Paris Hilton. The way that have both eyes cocked is pure magic. And speaking of cock, looks like the groom is ready for the honeymoon already. Hopefully it won’t take him too long to rip through that high-fashion gown. Sure that lace will take a few minutes to get through, but once you do you only have 6 more layers to rip off until you get to that prize that you are now calling your wife. These 2 look so happy together. Actually, they look like they got married at a funeral. They look miserable. They need Frownies. Would it have been that difficult to draw on some smiles? Geesh! I tell ya, child slaves in Tajikistan just don’t put the same effort into mass production like they used to. Times really are changing. Anyway, best luck to the 2 of you. By the looks of this whole ornament, they’ll be setting the entire tree on fire with their flammable attire. It’s a wedding to remember.
Product # 4 – That’s right you tell ’em! And when you do tell ’em make sure you’re still smiling. Now, thanks to the magic of pumps, tubes, and a rubber hand you can let everyone in your life know just what you think of them. Simply place the ridiculous hat on your ridiculous head and place the ridiculous pump in your ridiculous hand and ridiculously squeeze. Through this patent-pending technology you will be giving everyone the middle finger! That’s sweet. Now for those of you out there that can’t really tell what this hat is trying to do because of the big “censored” sign that they’ve placed over it… that would be the middle finger, which is an American tradition and symbol that basically says, “Hi neighbor! Would you like to come over for lunch?” You should try it out. Kids, wear it to school on “dress down day” and give a big salute to your douche-bag teacher! Now let me ask. What do you do with the pump when the finger is not in use? Does it just dangle off the side whilst your walk around? And how long is that tube because it’s nowhere near the hat. I mean, regardless of those two questions this is, most certainly, a very practical hat and well worth the money. Do me a favor, though, once you purchase it. Put it on, stand in front of the mirror, and squeeze the pump. Invite yourself over for lunch!