Product # 3 – Having brunch with a couple of midgets and don’t have thing to cook for them? Well fret no more because you’re in luck with this handy dandy “Breakfast Machine” from Harriet Carter. Remember, midgets aren’t real people. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re like unicorns. I just checked my set of encyclopedias and they are unicorns. Anyway, whether you’re cooking for midgets or unicorns keep one thing in mind, they are small people and don’t need the same amount of food or nutrients as us big and “normal” sized people. Don’t waste your money on buying a lot of ingredients. All you need is the Breakfast Machine. Simply crack 2 eggs and pour the contents on top of the Breakfast Machine. Next, use an eye-dropper to put a little bit of coffee and a little bit of water into the coffee maker. I wouldn’t be concerned about adding too much coffee as these midgets no longer need to be concerned about stunting their growth. Finally toss two muffins into the toaster oven section. Please be careful with the muffins though as they will, more than likely, be larger than the midgets in question and could easily crush them. And if you think your biggest problem will be having dead midgets on your hands think again. Do you know how expensive midget coffins are? Anyway, yum! This breakfast looks delicious and the eggs don’t look plastic at all. Your midget guests will squeal with delight and not just because their voices typically sound like pigs squealing. Thanks Harriet! I can’t wait for the day when this Breakfast Machine combusts!
Product # 4 – Nothing spruces up a real pond quite like fake fish and not just any fish, chemically altered fish. You see, these fake fish are shellacked with Polyurethane….just like real fish! Nothing helps explain to your kids the meaning of “death” quite like these products.
Son: Mommy? Why won’t these fish move and why do they smell like a freshly stained deck?
Mother: Well, son, first off stop being such a nosey little brat. Second, these fish are fake honey, not real. You see, mommy and daddy are cheap and friggin idiots and we spent all of our life savings on building a pond in the backyard and there was no money left for real fish so we bought these fake fish that are attached to weights that sink to the bottom of the pond and keep the fish floating in the same area all the live-long-day!
Son: Mommy, is the number to DSS still on the refrigerator ‘cuz I wanna call them.
Mommy: Yes, it’s still there honey. Go ahead and call them you were a mistake anyway.
Thanks Harriet for polluting the pond and breaking up a loving family. I hope that one day I find you floating in the pond with weights tied to your tail. I know you have a tail. I just know it.
Well that concludes another Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! What a treat this one was. A real treat. I’m a blessing…a blessing and a national treasure.