Harriet Carter: Extenders and Ease

Why Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday you sick sons-a-bitches. Just when you think the crap well has dried up and there is no more crap left, Harriet continues to provide us with an endless pile of crap to help us, hurt us, and heal us. I also have no idea what that just meant. Regardless, let’s see what Harriet is forcing us to buy this week and, trust me, people are still buying. Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Don’t bother putting down that extra slice of pie, fatass. Nope, keep on shoveling it in because now you have these handy dandy waistband extenders to get you and your rolls right through the winter. Take that 4th helping of candied yams and laugh Diabetes right in the face. “You can’t hold me down obesity related illness such as high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and clogged arteries!” Apparently Harriet Carter thinks that fat people who need waistband extenders only wear two pants colors. Cartoon Red. Cartoon Blue Clearly, these are high-fashion and, trust me, the pleats in the red pants certainly aren’t helping your cause. Actually I did just do a little research and fat people do only wear cartoon red and cartoon blue pants. Who knew!? I’d love to see these waistband extenders in action. Out on a second date? Ate a little too much at dinner? Believe me your date will love nothing more than to see you undo your pants and head to the bathroom without having your pants fall right to the ground. She’s a keeper!

Product # 2 – Haven’t been able to master the remote control since it was invented in 1955 and then reached mainstream status in 1984? I don’t blame you. It certainly takes more than 24 years to understand the complexity of “brightness,” “contrast,” and the biggest head scratcher, “picture in picture.” Well if you’ve thrown your hands up in frustration (after socking your wife in the eye for buying the original remote control in the first place) then do we have a treat for you. Introducing a remote control classically titled, “The World’s Easiest Remote!” Although I like to call it, “Hey Dumbass, the Blind Don’t Even Need This – Remote Control.” Now I see the on/off button, the volume up, the volume down, the channel up, and the channel down buttons. I also see the mute button. If they are really trying to keep this simple do you really need the mute button? You can’t just hold down the volume down button for an extra 2.5 seconds? No? Ok fine, but when the “e” in “mute” starts to wear off and the button is left saying “mut” don’t blame me when you have no idea what to do. I tried to warn you. Oh, P.S Good luck getting to those high-definition channels that are always located in the 700’s or 800’s. You’re going to be hitting the “channel up” button for a loooooooong time. Still thinking this remote was making your life easier? Wait until you attempt to watch a DVD (of VHS in your case, probably). You can thank Harriet for that numb feeling in your left arm. By the way, that’s a stroke. Best wishes. xoxo, Harriet.

Product # 3 – Want sexy hair like the girls in the shampoo commercials? Do you long for the days of wavy hair that blows in the wind? Well I may not be a hairologist, but I’m pretty sure you don’t get that type of hair when you brush it, with what I can only assume, is a toilet brush. But, hell, I’ll go with it. Just finished scrubbing 4-week old crap stains out of the good old porcelain pooper? Great! Now’s the perfect time to take that brush and comb the knots out of your hair. The feces and e-coli really will give it that sun-kissed look that all the kids are wild about these days. Oh, and if you’re a lazy ass and don’t feel like taking a normal brush to the back of your head you can thank your lucky stars that there’s a 6 foot handle on that brush that allows you to hardly have to move at all. Because remember, every brush needs a handle and every head needs a toilet brush. Wow, that was just brilliant. I’m taking that quote to some fancy marketing company that will likely pay me for it. I’m not going to lie, I completely lost my train of thought with this one. Oh well, pip pip. Good day!

Product # 4 – Help save the time of strangers trying to pick-pocket you while your traveling on vacation. Now lightly place your camera on this “muggers stick” and hold it right out for the muggers. If you hold it far enough away from you, you’ll hardly have to even interact with the person who’s going to run by and snatch it (haha, snatch). By the way, does this douche-bag couple know that the Eiffel Tower is just to the right of them? Yeah, well it is. I’m sure everyone will be psyched to be flipping through hundreds of photos of these two and never get to see any of the outstanding landmarks that they visited. However, I do think it’s great that Justin Guarini and the lady who was in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” finally found work again. I must admit, I’m jealous that they made it into the Harriet Carter crapalog before I did, but they are well established entertainers and I, well I’m just a little tiny blogger with hardly any street cred.

That’s all for this week folks! See you next week if the world hasn’t imploded.

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Harriet Carters of Yesteryear

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