Harriet Carter: Death, Diddle, Decorate

Happy Brand New Harriet Carter Wednesday! After last weeks repeat, it was time to dig into the Harriet Carter bag of tricks and see just exactly what she’s forcing down our throats this week. Enough of the chit-chat, let’s go!

Product # 1 – Hey there pretty lady! Are you a teacher? Are you one of those teachers that has illegal sex with their underage students? You know you are. Well, you’re in luck today, Diddler Delilah! Harriet is now selling this fancy bra that zips right up the front (technically right in the middle of the rack itself). So next time you’re romancing that 6th grade boy with bad acne, greasy hair, and braces that you just can’t seem to get enough of, now you don’t have to worry about him fumbling with the back of your bra trying to get it off. An easy zipper provides easy access for boys ages 9-13. You’ll be boosting their own confidence so much from this new and easy to use bra that they’ll probably even stop leaving skid marks in their Scooby Doo underpants! Their parents will be thanking you before you know it! Thanks for making it easier for the teachers and Diddler Delilah, Harriet. A++++!

Product # 2 – Ah death. What a treat. Nothing helps you get through the death of a loved one quite like a plastic rock from Harriet Carter. This one says, “No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why.” Geesh. Always blaming everything on God. What do you mean only God knows why? Um, you probably got shot during a drug deal gone bad. Maybe your dealer knows why, too. I’d ask him first, then God. Actuall, scratch that. I’d check with the police first, then the dealer, then God. Actually, check the cell phone first. Any calls out of the ordinary? How ’bout emails? Anything look picular? Nope. Ok, see if the dealer knows anything. Try, try, not to bother God. He’s prett busy, you know running the world and making sure the earth doesn’t fall out of the sky and stuff. The second rock says, “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory become a treasure.” Huh? Uh, that doesn’t rhyme. I like my death rock sayings to rhyme, if that’s ok. How does the memory become a treasure? Are we talking like a hidden treasure with gold and rubies and stuff in it? If so, I’m all for that. I mean, I still want it to rhyme, but I’m fine with cashing in on this death. Wait, where the hell was I again?
Product # 3 – Uh oh, back to the diddlers! This doormat says, “Grandma and Grandpa Taylors Grandchildren Hugged and Loved Here.” Oh yeah? Is that even a sentence? What else are Grandma and Grandpa Taylor doing to these poor grand kids? You guys diddling in there? Don’t try to trick us. I’ll lift that doormat up, grab the key that you know is hidden under there, and bust in on you two perverts like Chris Hanson from “Dateline: To Catch a Predator.” If I see you two sick bastards mixing up some Margarita’s for little Billy and Sally then I’m calling the cops…STAT. Anyway, now does this doormat also come with that huge red arrow? If so, I’ll take one in blue and with the last name “Olsen” on it. Thanks Harriet!

Product # 4 – Does decorating your Christmas tree typically seem like it just goes too fast? Do you want to slow down the decorating process by about 46 hours? Well, you’re in luck because now you can put your fishing skills to use by place each ornament on your Christmas tree with what appears to be a fishing rod. After you carefully hang the ornament on the end of your Christmas Rod, simply find the branch you want (watch that shaking hand and trembling arm) and slowly, very slowly, place that beautiful gold ornament (from Walgreens) on the branch. It doesn’t matter you can barely see the branch from where you’re standing or the fact that the ornament keeps sliding off the branch, just keep trying. After you’ve attempted this a minimum of 29 times, try another branch and repeat the process. For extra family time fun, give this Christmas Rod to Grandma who’s suffering from Parkinson’s. You and the kids will be squealing with delight by watching Grandma fumble through and entire box of ornaments! Don’t worry about the broken ones that smashed off the ground, the new puppy can lick that up! Ho-ho-huh?

Well, that concludes another week of Harriet Carter Wednesday. Spread the word. Tell a friend and/or get a friend to tell and make sure they tell someone. Repeat.

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Harriet Carter: Death, Diddle, Decorate

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