Happy Harriet Carter Day. I say “day” because this week Harriet graces us with her “presents” on Thursday instead of Wednesday. Hey oh! You can blame shows like The Hills and The City for taking up a majority of my time. Thanks Heidi. Anyway, this week Harriet has fun with delivery and helps you save money on vet bills by curing your pets on your own! Let’s go!
Product # 1 – “Oh hey! Thanks for inviting my to your party! I made you a bunch of grilled food like hot dogs , hamburgers, and corn….and then I put all that greasy food into a dirty, sticky, leather bag…..and now I want you to eat it…..out of the hot leather bag….the food….not wrapped up…..just thrown in that bag….eat it….now. Thank you.” Gross. And you totally know that the person who brought that bag-o-food is going to serve it to you with their dirty rotten hands. They probably just gave their dog a bath (who was sprayed by a skunk) all whilst smoking a pack of Camel cigarettes and never even washed their hands once. Enjoy the dog hair and ashes in your burger. Burp. And why does the “after” picture contain food items that were not even packed in the bag, like chicken, a roll, lettuce, tomato, and pickles? Where the hell did he pull those out of? Yuck, probably an emptied out flashlight like Bobby and Cindy Brady did when they fed franks and beans to that runaway Indian boy at the Grand Canyon. I bet.
Product # 2 – Having a hard time making ends meet? Trying decide if you can afford Gatorade instead of “Stop-n-Shop Sports Drink: Red.” Well thanks to Harriet Carter and the people from what I can only assume is the humane society, you can now save money by treating your ill dogs and cats in the comfort of your very own home! Presenting a “Knew York Tymes” Best Seller, “Low Cost Natural Cures for Your Dog and Cat Your Vet Doesn’t Want You to Know!” So, huh, what’s this book about? I don’t get it. Has your dog been puking since last Tuesday? Check out Tip #29 in the book titled: Shoot Him! Has your cat been limping when he/she walks up and down the stairs? Try Tip # 4: Flush It! Now we’ve all had this happen: Can’t seem to get that tinsel out of your dogs bum bum after he ate almost the entire Christmas tree? Why not give Tip #52 a whirl, “Go Get the Matches Because Sparky is About to Jump!” Did your cat just pass its 9th life and hasn’t moved in 2 months? Try our kid-friendly Tip #101, “With String, a Fishing Pole, and Tooth Pics in the Eyes, Your Cat Can Live Forever!” Why bother explaining death to your little ones with a real “work-around” like this!? And finally, if you’re like me and can’t seem to get your dog to “go potty” on the newspaper square, simply act out Tip # 9, “Cut Off Its Ding Dong and Toss It in an Abandon Field, Lorena Bobbitt Style!” Just think of all the money you’ve saved from the vet with these easy to do at home fixes! (Editors Note: Don’t try any of this at home, stupid).